through the eyes of depression

dreams

2011-10-30T19:26:00.002+11:00

I always dream of better days and better life. This is why I am so depressed. I want to be some where else every time I wake up on Monday morning. I wan to have an inspired life and yet all I do is dream and no action to follow it up. I dream of fantasies and not worthy dreams. I wish to be accepted but unwilling to open up. I think and I say but I don't do and then I complain that I don't have.

What use of dreams if we do not have the courage to pursue it. What use of courage if there is nothing or no one it can serve. What can be worse to die without ever being alive. What are we doing to oursleves? Slaving away to days that never come and rules that do not exist beside in our head? What is it that we really wish?

Depression is a good thing

2011-09-25T14:58:00.000+10:00

Because it leads me to be certain that I do not wish to be someone else and anywhere else but here.

loneliness

2011-08-28T17:49:00.003+10:00

loneliness does not occur because you are alone. loneliness is a state of spirit. a broken one. it can happen anytime anywhere. it is when the life of a soul feels disconnected with God the creator of our souls. think that they are alone. think that i am alone. it does not matter how much money you make, how many friends you make or maintain, loves that you received from people. it does not matter.

the big deep black hole inside your heart. beats.its black. its deep. and yet it beats.
a deep breath in and out then away
making it the deepest saddest breath you ever taken
and yet you still exists despite your fondest wish to be taken away by the wind
to disappear to the thin air back to the ether that you have ever come from

loneliness it is a sad beautiful thing

integration of the earth

2011-04-23T17:16:00.000+10:00

Last week on the 16 April 2011, I felt this massive energy of attraction to a male soul. The experience was so intense I was unable to function. The interesting thing was that he was not there. It was merely an experience of the soul. The experience was so intense I cried and cried unable to do my obligations that meant to take place that day. I felt this feeling of 'Thank you God for letting us find each other. Thank you God for I have found him and he has found me." This intense feeling of being 'whole'. Something that I rarely feel. It was a burst of energy that lasted around 6-8 hours that day. It was as if I was making love to another soul, it was so intoxicating. It was not a sexual experience, unless the definition of sex would be synergy exchange experience, then it would be it.

I was interpreting the incident as a sign of a future event that I would be able to control. Of course I was wrong when I was faced with this person recently, they did not even know I exist. So I re asses the situation. I know the experience was real but maybe I was interpreting it in a way of the world and using my ego rather than my spirit to translate it.

Maybe the experience was telling me what I usually would already know when bad things happen. That is the world is starting to integrate itself again. The chasm and the separation were done. And when clean break happens, it becomes a separate entities. Then the restructure and the reintegration could begin. I think that was what happened last week. The world is uniting itself again. The souls of the people are starting to become whole again. It would be nice for this to be manifested into my life. Because my ego despite what my spirit says, would love to belong.

I suppose it is very disappointing at my ego level for I thought God was being nice to me by confirming what I have felt. But rather I know that it is never about that. It is never about proofing whether things exists or not. For if it needs proof then we are actually affirming it is not.

Though curiously enough after the seemingly rejections, the lovers, two of cups, three of cups, and four of wands show up in my daily tarot reading, repeatedly. Showing signs of 'marriage' consistent with the experience that I had last week. The marriage and unification of two souls or multiple souls that become in affect this feeling of wholeness, this feeling of massive expansion. Because in that moment, we become them, and they become us and we do not feel like there are two or more separate entities, but rather one big entity. In a way it may be glimpse of feelings of Godliness. That is that God is all of us put together. Our souls that is. And the fact we can't feel its presence is because we are so separated, so alone and so egoistically applied ourselves in this manner.

I was so hurt when the things I asked for and certain to receive did not happen last Thursday. I felt angry and ashame for the fact I have asked such a big thing from God and expect it to be fulfilled. Yet I learned the fact that I have asked again and even after the rejection I didn't actually become any worse than I had before I asked it. In another word, I am still here. Nothing major was in pain except my massive ego.

I guess in a way I still believe in what happened a week ago that a promise of integration and attraction to our other souls counter part. They are whole in themselves, as we are whole as ourselves. But when we unite, when two pieces of the puzzle of God come together we get to experience this glimpse of the whole for a little bit. I guess that is worth pursuing for a hopeful outlook.

And somehow I feel I can hope again that my love is coming to my life and I know it is when I least expect it. I believe so, for now anyway, for it may not be the case tomorrow.

Manic stage

2011-02-25T20:47:00.000+11:00

I am going through my manic stage at the moment. Where my life is being carried forward by an unknown current.

I feel that my life is at the moment 'purposeless' but I don't know what else to do. So I do the routine. I have come to live my life as 'normal'. I am normal. I have normal live and normal problems. Normal conversation and normal aspiration. And yet I am still unhappy.

Maybe I know that my life will not start until I decide to stop controlling it.

left out of the loop

2011-01-26T15:36:00.000+11:00

I never understood the whole concept of belonging. It seems a concept that I would only know as a thought but not an experience. I feel like being out of the loop keeps me in a paranoid mood. Being whatever it is that I think the worst off.

I don't like the feeling and it drills that idea of not worthiness into my brain. But at the same time it feels good because that means you are on the outside looking in. And don't need to actually get involved.

EOY

2010-12-31T19:22:00.000+11:00

It has been somewhat an eventful year. Yet somehow I don't feel like anything is ending. I don't feel excitement or sadness for that matter. I had three different jobs this year. Maybe I have finally entered the adult life.

I try not to be too jaded next year, I think this is my next year resolution not much but I hope enough to keep me going.

coke makes me hormonal

2010-11-29T00:13:00.000+11:00

i know now everytime i drink coke it will make me very hormonal. in some way i am welcoming it. but for now i guess that needs the time for it to mature. to stir my spirit.

i feel like my slumber is being interrupted and now i feel everything becomes vivid now. maybe and i hope i would be awake. soon.

shattered

2010-11-24T00:37:00.000+11:00

have you ever been to the same event again and again in your life. never managing to change any of it. sometimes it feels like you are being dragged and pushed into something you do not want to do. or trying to maintain your composure so that you do not snap because you want to maintain sometimes civility? maybe my life is shattered.

but have been listening listening to joel osteen's podcast lately.and as others per usual it gives me that little push to keep going. and i know i need to work on my attitude, to keep going.and for now i must say that to me " faith is not an argument".

Fantasy

2010-10-14T17:02:00.000+11:00

The thin that is most painful when you are depressed is hope. This feeling of hope that it might be around the corner. These glimpses of happiness floating by your heart and only lasted a fleeting second. It is almost like a poison in your system. Because you are accepting the fact that things might be bleak for the rest of your life and these mean little buggers call hope, float by and tease you incessantly. It is indeed pure torture.

You don't know what to do with it. Do you accept it? Do you ignore it? Your instinct has been messed up so bad by hopes that did not come true, you doubt it more often than you trust it now. So what to do? It seems all these will never come true, you keep telling your self. These hopes in your head and the feelings you are feeling in your heart are just fantasies, they are fleeting momentary fantasies that never come to fruition. So what the past two years have given you. So the answers to your question. Indeed, life never takes off. It is only for other people. But not you. No you are meant to be alone, to be isolated to be separated from the whole world. From your family. For not inflicting it to other people in the future.

Your thought refused the idea of sharing your self with another person intimately. Not even your best friend because you are so afraid that you are being impolite by imposing your self so openly. So you guard your self. your words, your heart and your imagination from the prying eyes of society. It can be no more you say. I shall wait simply to the day I die. Because the thought of repeating all of these again is more unbearable than to kill you self. Which is what would happen if you have done so.

You keep asking God resentfully at times Why have you put me here God, For what purpose do you want me to be here? Without much taste of the world's flavour you become reckless and restless to the mundane life that you have come to accept and settle in to. No longer the juices of life that you tasted in youth, but the bitterness overpowerment of your rotten hope.

It feels very intoxicating, you want to drown it with substances that you know will kill you eventually. But time serves as the great illusion keeper, you can blame God when it does and pretend it was never your fault that you have suffered what you suffered.
In the end all You have left is this haze of an existence and that tiny hope that still in you but refused to be acknowledged.

release?

2010-10-12T19:46:00.000+11:00

I have this guilt feeling since a month ago. It doesn't seem to go away. It still here right now. The only lightening thing is that I had a feeling of 'release' this morning that doesn't seem to come often enough. It lasted a mere second but it made an impression.

Back to the guilt thing, this thing seems to float around my heart in a circle. I feel bored and agitated again for what I am doing now. I feel very frustrated because I seem to not able to settle down. Not to be able to anchor m self. Seem to always going from one place to another. The thing I want to go away and this feeling is getting stronger and almost overtaking me at the moment.

I am still cautious although the past week a few things have starting to show signs of life. I am still fragile and vulnerable. The thing is I guess I am done hoping. Though I know somehow it is impossible to do so.

feel so abandoned

2010-09-19T21:11:00.000+10:00

i think one of the greatest thing in life is that feeling of being wanted. that somehow in my life never occurred. i don't think i would be one of those people. this extreme neediness when i have something a little bit of intimacy. i want to be like normal people, very cool and don't even care about what other people. i can feel the hatred i have for my self is really doing my head in once again.

blow

2010-09-10T10:03:00.000+10:00

I just lost my wallet and I feel like it is the last straw of what is a very intense and bad week. If there is a time that I really want to kill my self and end it all. It would be right now. I feel like killing people too. I feel like I understand the high school students who went on a rampage killing and then kill himself. I understand that very much right now.

I find it really irritating that I don't have anyone to talk to that I would consider friends. I feel like my life is over. Really over. Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I found it disturbing that I feel like crying not because of the wallet itself but rather the act of misfortunes that seems to never end.

I know that I have to trust God in this. And I know from experience that people are nice and they would return the item to the driver as it has happened to me before and it was returned safely. But today I feel with my current mental health not as green as it used to, it would cause me to actually enhance this situation to the worse.

I feel very sick and very grey about my life. As if things is just too bleak. I feel like I have this hatred towards God that has gone beyond my capacity to love. That has gone beyond my reasonableness as a person. I feel like I would snap at any moment and injure someone or yell at someone that goes horribly bad and ruin my life even more. I don't know anymore. I really feel like my life is shit and everything in my life is shit. I feel strongly that I want to walk away from everything. Really now. I do.

God why am I doing here? why do I want to live again? remind me why do you want me to be here now? I feel weak. Like my life has not been induced with any of spirit. I feel like everything would be very hard. I feel like I just got wiped off from the Earth at the moment. It is not a good experience.

When

2010-09-02T11:55:00.000+10:00

Yesterday i feel like an outcast. The fact that I got locked out from my apartment was a signal to say that i am indeed manifesting what i feel is present at the moment. i know that life is not going to be easy. but at the same time i don't want it to be easy. i just want to move on and want to go on with whatever i have at the moment.

i feel like my whole world doesn't consist of anything anymore. it is just this little black dot in my whole existence. i feel more and more like nothing matters. all the educations that i have put into my own head, i don't want to remember it anymore. i feel like my heart has gone into ash, and it doesn't exist as a whole anymore. it only exist as a last piece of my whole existence.

i feel like nothing matters anymore. i want to curl up in bed and don't deal with life anymore. i just want to shut down my whole life. shut down. i was walking home yesterday and i felt this strong urge to stop and not move at all. this feeling of just want to sit on the side of a street and not move at all was overwhelming. it happened a few times. i almost cried when i was walking back home, beating my self up. i wouldn't be surprised if i got hit by someone soon.

my dream was very frustrating, i dreamt that i was in a great church assembly for my junior high school get together. and it was filled with people from my past. i don't know why. then the scene switched into a car where that person drove and then we had to go into a candle store to buy some candles. i ended up buying candles that were wrapped in red boxes, from nine down to three because i didn't have enough money. while he just waited outside.

then scene switched into this hall where we were supposed to relax and i found my self sitting infront of him and he put his hands on me like to say that 'we are together'. it was a very comforting gesture. very comforting indeed. this would be my third or fourth times dreaming about them within three weeks. it is odd. because it seems like everytime i made up my mind to abandon the whole thing, my dream tell me to do otherwise. but i can't live my life based on a dream. i don't want to repeat the same shit over and over again. i prefer to shut my whole life down to go through the same hell again. which is probably why i haven't done anything stupid as yet.

i find my self really wanting to break away from everything. that feeling of running away is very strong and thick in me at the moment.

i feel that no one cares. even if they do, it won't be enough. because i don't even know what i want or i feel suffocated. i don't know anything. i don't want to impose my ego on my soul and i know i will but still i hope it doesn't happen that often.

i feel like it is happening again, i am becoming that girl that people pity, that is the charity case of the whole group. and i know it is because it is me and not them. it is me that is creating the whole scenario.

yesterday, i heard the fact that this group of friends have something on friday, an event that clearly i am not invited to. very clear indeed. i feel like a dumb retard. really. and i don't blame them. i just feel sad that i amc creating this for my self.

maybe this is an 'inception' experience thing. maybe just maybe. where i prefer to create something better. something good. maybe just maybe.

life is an illusion. i find my self extremely lonely right now. even though i am surrounded by people i feel alone. extremely alone. i feel like i am not waking up from this dream and i am just waiting to do this at anytime now.

i feel like i am waiting to be woken up. i feel like i am waiting for that one day where god will talk to me and say ' it is time to come back to me child' and then i shall be released from the imprisonment of this body.

depression is a funny thing. though i hate it, i also feel its company comforting. knowing that i am depressed feel like i have this world that i can call my own, though it is not healthy. i don't think i will have anything different.

sickening

2010-09-01T18:22:00.000+10:00

i am that stage now where i get disgusted at my self. where my life feels very much like nothing at all. i feel very left out like a plague that people avoid. i stooped so low to even inviting my self into a situation where i am not even invited. very like the person i was bitching about.

i feel like i am going to go insane at one point. i feel like this world is not worth it anymore. it is not. no reason to live. no reason to go on. no reason to move forward.

worsening

2010-08-29T16:51:00.000+10:00

My life is getting worse. I tend to see it as a dark cloud that never break. I can't see anything beyond the daily grind. And it is making me feel anxious, in a very calm way. I received my first feedback for my school work and I found my self very depressed by the result.

On Friday night I actually went through a list of way for suicide, the fastest and painless way. It was rather disturbing. I had fantasy of driving knif through my heart rather than my stomach because a rapture in my heart will cause me to black out straight away even when it is not going to kill me instantaneously. I feel like the whole world is going to come crashing down.

I never had this very intense feeling before. To actually contemplate suicide seriously is very odd. Maybe I should stop talking about it, because the more I talk about it the more acceptable it becomes. I becoming less and less resistant to the idea. I find my self wanting to opt out more and more. I feel like back in 2007 when everything seems to become bleak and dark.

Throughout the weekend I was surrounded by friends and family along with celeberations of new beginnings for them. Meanwhile I was sitting there trying to hold my self together. Trying not to cry and sob in front of everyone. On Friday I found my self unable to hold it all together anymore and crashed into my own consciousness. I am not coping with life too well anymore. It seems a whole life worth of bottling my darkness up have caught up with me. This abyss is so black and endless. Maybe it is time to give in. Give in to the darkness and surrender all.

Maybe it is.

Choices

2010-08-23T18:16:00.000+10:00

Lately I have to ask my self whether being liked is very important or not to me. And I concluded that it isn't so much. I quite like that finding. I find my self becoming less and less interested in having any kind of friendship and relationship whatever I have at the moment might just stay that way and becomes less and less as the year gone by. I hat the fact that most of us in our reality obliged to the social contract imposed on our daily lives.

I feel very sad and this cloud doesn't seem to lift. Even my fountain pen dies on me as I keep repeating the same lines again and again. Even it doesn't want to provide the service of letting my emotions out. I feel like I am drowning in everything that I have forced my self upon. I realise that my 'intuition' will never goes away despite my worry about it or my anticipation of when the time arrives. The truth is it will not go away. Period.

the world against you

2010-08-16T13:53:00.002+10:00

Have you ever feel so paranoid that you think the whole world is against you? I do now. And I can see how people commit suicide when this is the dominant feeling.

Hating self

2010-08-12T08:54:00.000+10:00

One of the very dangerous thing in life is to hate one self. Because you are the only person who you have to live with it without any separation. The thing about hating your self is that feeling that eats you away and makes you very sad to your self.

You stop talking to other people because you are paranoid about what they think of you and what you have to do or say when you are around them. You also don't want to speak to anyone because it will send you away from the indulgance of having a private pitty party inside your head.

All of these add to the clouds of depression inside you. You heart becomes darker and darker as each day passes by. You body fails you miserably and you wonder why you are getting sicker and sicker by the day.

I know everything that we do we always have to live with its repurcussions later on. But sometimes I just want to see very clearly where things are heading. To be told and to see what I can do to adjust to it.

I see every one around me is content by going through the process of life, birth, school, marriage, divorce, promoted, grand children and death. I am not. I see these progresses and I wonder 'why?'. What is the purpose of this processes? Feelings. The feelings you get when you do all of them. And yet I can see no feeling possible in my case to convince me to go there.

I wonder when all of these sadness and miserableness will dissipate.

The foggy days

2010-08-10T08:30:00.000+10:00

I kept being pulled to the fantasy land especially when I am stress. I only realised this recently. My mind wonders now to that scandanavian's landscape and the images of peace and calmness take precedent again. I still find my self hard making any friends, offending every one who comes my way does not seem to be the best way to create a bond that will surpass a two hours twice a week classes in one semester.

My stomach has been in knots lately but not so much with uneasiness feeling that usually accompanies it. It just that butterfly in the stomach thing. I am not sure where it comes from and what it is trying to tell me. But every time I have it, a very sad sad feeling comes to my heart. I want to have something meaningful I guess. But I know at this stage nothing is meaningful just yet.

I don't see why all this stress is all about. It is a choice that I am making. No one is forcing me to do this. But in some way I do feel that some sort of 'force' is actually asking me and pushing me to do this. I know that I will find it in due course. But I am so tired of 'believing' at times.

Am foregoing most of my feelings for the sake of running around the wheel just fooling my self that there is some sort of progress going on. Maybe some day I know but I doubt whether that day will ever come.

I want to sy that I will get out of this black cloud of depression but I don't think I will. I think I will just be getting very good at hiding it. But that only works if I am given time to be alone. Which is why a family seems to be not in the agenda.

I don't know where I fit in this life, when I am alone at home doing nothing, I am miserable. Here I am doing and running around doing two things at once without much time for being my self, I am miserable. Why can't I just enjoy my self and be grateful for what is?

Very hard

2010-08-05T13:54:00.000+10:00

I feel uneasy again lately. Maybe it has never left me in the first place. But I feel that this time the uneasiness is very subtle to even to complain about. I feel that my friends are getting smaller and smaller and I don't want to disapoint the ones I do have.

I find my mind is unable to handle stress as good as it was before. I want to believe somehow that life will be different but I guess, it was a delusion.

Nothing in my life is working smoothly at the moment. They are merely a transitioning point from one place to another. Without any surplus of money in the horizon.

I feel like I have gone backwwards by a thousand steps and actually re-living the live that I never meant to live. It is very strange indeed. Because in some way I know that I asked for this and at the same time, I feel like I made a mistake by asking.

I don't think about death lately. Which is a big improvement of course. But the one thing that stays is the idea of dropping everything and venturing overseas. That would be nice indeed.

Romantic fantasies

2010-07-30T23:02:00.000+10:00

Every three four months I have these fleeting moments where I indulged in the fantasies of being in a relationship. The problem is when it ends, it ends without leaving any trace that a fantasy even occurred.

I realised that I can't avoid politic anywhere. Even in a classroom. So now I come to accept that fact and try to play the game a little bit. But I find my self still covered by a foggy existence. My heart does not seem to play much apart of this all. I know now why I can see the boredom in a friend.

My fantasies now are more realistic. I see a potential partner and I run through each scenario mechanically. It sounds silly but the things are pretty standard. Questions like would I like to be seen out with this person? Would I like to kiss this person? Can I see my self sleeping with this person? Each covers th domain of social, friendship and intimate domain. And I found it interesting to see how sometimes I would want to sleep with someone but don't want to be seen out with them. Or the reverse where I would like to show off a person out but resist the idea of actually be very intimate with them. I know all of them are fantasies but I feel like they are not fuel by emotions or even infatuations but more logic. And we know it is hard to fall in love when you use logic.

I find my busyness now only useful to postpone all these 'bad' feelings. They come back when I stop for a minute or two. I wonder when all of these will end I would like to have some peace.

Pretense

2010-07-16T23:35:00.000+10:00

I realise that I am getting good at pretending. Putting up a front of normalcy on the outside while keep waiting for conversation to be over or a gathering to finish. And I do it all with a smile on my face and a giggle after every jokes told. An interaction becomes a chore. I go through the list of questions that I can ask so that I don't have to talk but to pretend to listen. The time goes by much faster when you only listen.

I dreaded the silence in between and hope that I could fill the awkward gaps in between as much as I can before we go our own way. Sighing seems to be the result when all pretense is dropped. When the self is back to be by itself a sudden calmness emerge again. No smile and only a flatness that is always within.

I find it interesting how I can not feel even when I am laughing and pretend to be interested. This also goes the other way. Today my money did not come through and no extreme feeling came to me. It was the same flatness and emptiness that filled me later that night. It was odd. Maybe this is what it means as a functional depressed person.

Maybe I have become a maturer person. But I know that it is not the case. I thought my mental health was improving but apparently not. I hope it is not only my current situation that improves.

Full Solar Eclipse

2010-07-11T21:57:00.000+10:00

It feels like the solstice again. The predictions are that due to the new moon it will be a very good omen. So I am here again waiting again for the new beginnings and concepts to come about.

But this time I feel like a glimpse of light is coming through, I don't know if it is coming back but I can see it a little bit. There is this very subtle feeling that feeling that happens in the morning just before peak hours. That calm and very subdue moments before the rush and the peak of rush hours. That feeling is right now overcoming me so massively.

I am restraining my self from bursting out with enthusiasm of what is coming. I feel like things are going to turn around by 180 degrees. But this feel like a broken record even saying that feels like a broken record itself. Which is of course very ironic. I feel like I am only repeating over and over again the vicious cycle that I am having. But now I feel like I am not even having the upside parts because I am so afraid to have the crash so badly.

The horoscope kept saying that the eclipse will bring me a romantic story almost out of the blue. I would disagree to that but of course the prove will only come with time.

I had a dream yesterday about taking off my clothes and browsing for a new colourful ones. The dream dictionaries seem to interpret that as shedding identity and regaining a new one. If that is indeed true it would be very nice indeed. Hopefully God listens to me this time.

Depression 2

2010-07-05T16:42:00.000+10:00

The weather is grey and overcast. Plus it is humid. Days like these trigger my fainting spells so easily. I almost fainted in the supermarket. My whole body was deprived of oxygen and coldness descended in no time at all. At one point the coldness was like death picking me up. Funnily enough I did not react like normal people where I would change my mind and say 'no I want to live' but rather I waited and told my self if this is death then 'God come and finish me off I am ready'. But of course it did not happen it took me another ten minutes with my head on the table squirming and trying to metabolize my own temperature by breathing deeply.

Then it was followed by constant crying and begging for God to take my life away. I am certain that these hysteria episodes are part of the Depression symptoms. This feeling of worthlessness really makes me feel very isolated further away. The difference is I actually pray that at one point it will indeed finish me off.

I can't even imagine being in a relationship with anyone or even being in closed friendship anymore. I feel like I am being withdrawn from the world more and more as time passes me by.

I feel that I am a waste of space and that my purpose is done. I feel like my purpose is to see all my family independence of me and have their own lives. Now it is done I feel like I am not needed anymore and I would like to return to my Lord's side.

Depression

2010-07-04T22:44:00.000+10:00

I just took a brief test at BeyondBlue's website and I found my self ticking almost all the boxes except for the last one. I never actually thought that I would be here in this state. That I am depressed. I never actually expected to have it for this long.

I suppose this is what my mother's experience when she had me and maybe it also started when she was my age now. I can't blame her if this is how she felt at that time. Nothing means anything when depression sets in. There is no goal, there is no drive to do anything, no imagination of what could be and what can be. There is this just constant cloud and constant greyness to life that nothing can changed. Even interaction and conversations seem very contrived, very fake and very monotone. The hardest bit is that you can't really share this with anyone because denial is usually the reaction that is given. Or they get bored because there is no change of emotions for a lengthy period of time.

I find my self without any friends. A few days ago I was excited about something and I took out my phone about to text someone and then I realised that I had no one to share it with. I had to think for several minute before actually sending one. The thing is though I was sort of felt sad for my self I was not entirely miserable. I felt nothing. I had no opinions about what I am doing, about my future, I am not angry and I am not happy. I feel like I am just a zombie, an inferi that is waiting to do other's bidding. Prostituting my time with money. But it is okay for now. The thing is how long will this life go on. I am trying my hardest to be positive and to keep some hope in me and be grateful like I used to. But I can't. I don't know how anymore.

My logical mind gives me some consolation of a future where I will become more lucid in 'waking' life than I do in my dreams. I am still here, in my physical form which means that there is a use for God to have me here. I don't want to question it further at this point. I don't have the inner strength to fight at the moment. And I am not sure whether I will eventually gather the strength to fight again or to keep going in this endless journey.

I will find it in due time of course. But the difference between the past and right now is, in the past I was looking forward to it, I was eager and I was keen. Now I can't even be bothered to be excited.

It changed on time

2010-06-28T17:25:00.000+10:00

I realised that I am indeed a very miserable person.

After the solstice my life rather shifted dramatically. Things starting to happen like offer of jobs, and interviews etc. While before that not a single thing happened. Now I must manage and juggle things rather than 'waiting' for things to happen. They are here and I am still a miserable person.

I think I just have to accept that fact. That nothing will make me happy. Even when things are very favourable I still feel like an idiot and a loser.

Solstice (Winter)

2010-06-20T21:55:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow and the next day will be solstice. Mid Winter as they used to say (Southern Hemisphere). I know that there will be two eclipses is on its way. So it will be another powerful solstice for everyone. Another shake in the old rut. I hope in this sense that my life will be flipped another 180 degrees. Which means that I would be very busy. Since the last Solstice has not done it just yet.

The first one will happen on 26 June on full moon a partial moon eclipse followed by solar eclipse in 11 June 2010. Which can be viewed in Australia. I found this both concerning and hopeful. What if the things that end are the things that I don't want to change? And the things that I don't like still will be the same? I find it very concerning indeed.

Been re-reading two my favourite books. Emerson and Harry Potter (6th). I found this passage "The talent is the calling." rather disturbing because what is my talent? What about people who are very good at something and yet don't particularly enjoy them?

I want to have things happen again but I am afraid that it will take away my peace and quiet. The things I have cherished the most. I hope I can have my cake and eat it too.

anticipation of the solstice

2010-06-19T20:25:00.000+10:00

All my life I feel like I am waiting for my life to happen. One of these days it must stop because how can you live a life that has not happened. It is impossible. The fact that we are alive proven that it has started. That this waiting thing must stop.

I am hating my self because despite me not wanting to wait, I have not done any action to support that belief. Especially when solstice is coming around in three days. I have this part of me that trying to suppress every single ounce of hope into the bottomless pit of my soul. Yet it cannot be done. I am still hopeful and rather expectant of the solstice. Of this romantic idea that the Sun will stop for one day before it is start its journey back to the summer solstice position again. This dance, and in three days the dance will stop momentarily.

In that I have this hope that faith whatever it is now will stop and turn around simultaneously. So hopefully my hope does not go stray.

no more

2010-06-17T20:58:00.001+10:00

I feel very small and little. And I know that I have the slogan 'life is too short to be small' and yet I feel that life is like a very long infinity that never end. I am observing that my advices seem only be good for others but not for me. It seems that I am the vessel of advice but none sticks to me.

I asked God, "Why did you create me?" It was one of those questions that you rarely think about until you actually come across it. Why did they created any single person on earth and the rest of us? Why? I never actually bothered by this question until now. Now I feel in that state again of the plateau of depression. Where everything is very still and very bland. But I don't even have any more energy to think or dream of other things that I want anymore.

I just feel like I am very thin and about to join the 'oneness' again. Maybe this is me finally at rest, finally not caring, finally not wanting to know anymore. Maybe, I have found my self in this pit and feel utterly comfortable that I don't want to actually climb out. I have finally feel comfortable in the dark. In the place where no one can find me, even when they tried very hard, I won't even know that somebody is seeking for me. And I am okay with it for now.

I am okay being down at the most bottom of all. And I feel by accepting this I am calm again. Even if it is not as I expected to be here at the moment. I feel quite okay. Maybe that's the trick. I read Siddhartha a couple days ago.

And I remember at the end of the book, he accepted everything and contently continuing his job as a ferryman while his friend Govinda obtained a status as the wise monk but without the understanding, experiences, and knowing of Siddhartha's. Even at the end Siddhartha was only a humble ferryman, he has obtained the level of Godness that can be perceived by anyone who perceived him. In a sense he reached his destination while at the same time still maintain to be in the Journey.

If it was good enough of Siddhartha himself, this peace of quietness without wanting to succumb to the 'illusion'.

2010-06-14T15:41:00.000+10:00

Been obsessed watching this for the past two weeks. Something about the series that make it very addicting.

Not Ambitious

2010-06-12T19:58:00.000+10:00

I know I sound like a broken record but I remember when I was young and how ambitious a child could be. Up to the age of 20 I was very keen to be 'successful' and 'wealthy' etc. But now six years on I find my self content if I have something to eat and a great day under the blue sky and the warm sun.

I still feel those whimsical fantasies in my head and heart. These unexplainable feelings of joy without reason, tears without cause. I find my self trying to shove down my own hopes and dreams down inside of me.

But I understand what the elders are saying about the world beat your dreams out of you. I guess I am one of them now.

Back To Euphoria.

2010-06-11T20:39:00.000+10:00

The feeling of euphoria and extreme 'happiness' seem to dominate my nights this week. This intense feeling of something good is going to come my way.

I am a bit awry about the feeling as in the past it has led to the massive disappointment of my life. In the past I would be jumping up and down for this feeling but now I am cautious and highly suspicious with this euphoric moments. Because I don't want to invest all my hopes into it and then come crashing down beautifully in the aftermath.

The thing is the euphoric moments are usually accompanied by the same visions and type of feelings. It was rather odd to be honest. But if it is indeed like last December then what is to come is very near.

Re-Think

2010-06-05T16:13:00.000+10:00

I was being very good these past two months especially last month when I was full timely applied to so many thing and doing it continually through out my waking hour.

Today the first Saturday of this month, the sixth month, almost half of the year gone already. So I thought I put on the break and re-think of things. I did not do anything 'productive' yesterday, rather I caught up with a friend briefly in the pouring stormy weather. Which I admit probably was very nice.

I am re-thinking of this situation and pull back a little bit. Rather than keep pushing blindly with a desperate energy. So I thought I will stop for a while rather than doing it out of obligation. And I find my self a bit energized funnily enough. I am trying to enjoy this grey, stormy, and cold Sydney's weather that have been blanketing us sydney siders for a week now.

I was somehow feel that the time indeed has gone pass me without me even knowing it. I feel like it was me who have let my self down, the one that has not been consistent in delivering result, hence things are going to be as expected. I see people around me prosper but not because they were lucky in a sense they are but in the same time they worked hard and they are not harvesting their dedication and work . So I can't be envying other people because I was the one who kept jumping boats never sticking to anything or anyone for that matter.

I sort of see this future of mine, where I am alone and probably under ward of the state. A miserable existence and wouldn't be able to blame any one but my self. So in a sense I actually have to start doing what others expect of me but the question becomes, can I actually do it? Can I submit my self to the will of others?

I tried to dismiss this nudge in my head from yesterday or a couple days ago of things saying 'stop searching'. This thing that kept telling me to stop searching and be assure that it is done. It is kind of weird but in a way that nudge is what keeping me strong to be away from doing it for this weekend at least. But I can't help to be realistic on the idea, and came up with the excuse of 'you just want to believe that it is done. So that you don't have to work hard like everyone else.' And in a sense that is probably right. That I probably count on the realm of the non physical for most of my life. Maybe it is time put in some hard work that is my own.

I don't know what will happen like always but yesterday my guide in a form of bb alone. It illustrate to me that things have indeed change and the scenery is no longer the same. The people that have guided me in the past will be no more. Somehow the middle story is about to begin. I would like to believe that since the guidance from DV daily oracle cards are also matching. As usual because of my past experiences with unyielding results make me skeptical of predictions.

This frigid weather also made me feel like I am transported to another world. Like I am existing with another beings, like Sydney is not only showered with water but with little fairies and heaps of power surging and washing away Sydney for some reason. Maybe things will indeed change, I do sincerely hope so but I am still reluctant to believe that.

Sick

2010-06-02T18:00:00.000+10:00

Feeling sick in my whole body, wanting to vomit up things that don't even exist. I am wondering whether I am refusing to live anymore since my body is rejecting food so easily. My world view seems to dim drastically and the spirit of not giving up slowly settling into my consciousness being drowned by other feelings and winter pessimism.

Waking up at 2, 3, 4 pm everyday doesn't encourage optimism either. Though sleeping at 6 in the morning where everyone should be waking up might gave a huge hint of the out of whack sleeping pattern. My health is becoming worse and worse with each day, and so everything else.

If before it was only a mental state now it has become a sickly living thing. I need to get out of this rut whatever it is . The thing is I don't have the energy even to fight literally anymore. I feel that one thing that I need to do or can do is to die peacefully, in my sleep preferably.

The air crisped and thin

2010-05-24T00:27:00.000+10:00

Since yesterday I felt some kind of relief, though only a little bit. The TV was switch on again without me remembering how. This won't be the first time it happened. But it is the first time that it has happened when it was not on stand by but rather switched off manually and turned on manually. I found it weird and yet interesting.

I slowly is allowed to 'see' again which is nice because it means I have a bit more certainty and hope of what is to come.

Unsure what the future pertains as always but at this moment I feel momentarily optimistic.

Okay

2010-05-16T16:26:00.000+10:00

Situation has not changed at all. But I feel the vibration has changed quite a bit. I read the newest and last of Wings message from Karen Bishop. It seems natural to read the confirmation of a good bye message. It seems like things will indeed unfold but not the way I saw it four five months ago.

Though I had a very tough a month and a half and the toughest moments these past couple of weeks. I feel the air somewhat 'stabilized' a bit. I do hope this is the case because the wild ride has caused me to have a few grey hairs.

I am different then last year though the crying and the sobbing are still there the extreme pains and high have subsided drastically. So in that sense I am better, my soul somewhat changed and recover much quicker after each crisis. In this sense I am grateful. Right now I feel that I need to do what I have always told my self to do. Maybe soon I will have that courage to do that.

Slight mood elevation

2010-05-14T22:21:00.000+10:00

Nothing has changed and yet I feel slightly better. But it is not a hopeful mood nor a elated one. It is simply moving back to a neutral position.

God you are weird. But I know somehow even when I hate you I will always come back and love you again.

Retreat

2010-05-13T17:36:00.000+10:00

I have never thought that this year would be the year where I actually gone backward and retreat. I thought in the beginning of this year that this is it. Finally my waiting has paid off. Apparently not.

I have no inspiration anymore. I am jaded. I have lost my hope-juice. I feel betrayed by God, by this Earth.

It feels so unfair which makes me feel further down in the path of being ungrateful. It is hell because the only feelings I have are of anger and shame. No love, no gratitude, no feelings of being loved, no hope, no desires to go on anymore. I feel like I have been sucked dry. No more, no more hoping, no more feelings that things will turn out for the best, for the good, that God has a better plan. No more.

Just this. This feeling of endless despair. Of massive disappointment. Of whether I can trust God again? Whether I can trust this Universe anymore. So sorrowful. So dark. So sad.

It feels different this sadness. It feels like an umbilical cord has been severed. And I am being left dead in this wretched world. I know that is not true but I can't help being so jaded. I feel like my time is done. I really feel like there is no more purpose to be on this Earth. If what I have come here cannot be realised then maybe it is time to leave, rather than living an existence where there is no meaning. I cannot see the point of that.

Maybe it is better to leave and be reborn at a different time where the timing can be more favourable. I don't like this feeling of hating God, of being mad at God. It doesn't feel natural and yet I feel it so much. I feel it like it is a part of my heart. I feel like somehow this body serves no more purpose and i is only a shell, an empty shell. My dreams are no longer. Because it is so cruel to live with it when there is nothing I can do to fulfil it.

I don't want to live without dreams. It is a miserable existence, I prefer to die. To return and wait as a spirit.

God, answer my prayers.

Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?

sceptical

2010-05-10T01:40:00.002+10:00

These days my channelling abilities seem to depleted so much that it barely registered any more. I find my self checking outside sources again but with a difference. This time I don't feel hope nor do I feel despair. I just watch it like I do the news. Insignificant bit of information that seemingly not going to make my life any different.

I have been following Doreen's daily oracle reading. This past ten days it has been advising to be patient and have faith. It makes sense since all I wanted to do was to punch God in the face or to jump off a tall building to end it all without much of emotions attached. It does for me anyway. Since it has been a struggle intellectually not so much emotionally. Which makes it more painful I guess. But tomorrow's or today's depends how you see it is 'abundance' and the way she interpreted it is that the damn is breaking today and money or wealth is improving. Meaning that our patience will be paid off and will be rewarded as such.

Sceptical is what I am. Though I want to believe that it could be happening tomorrow, I don't feel hopeful at all. I feel the same like yesterday or the day before. Neither depressed nor sad, just indifference. If I am filled with depression or sadness this news will bear some hope within me. But it doesn't. It just stays dormant like it has always been so far.

My hope seemingly is artificial. I want it to happen not because I believe it happens but because I think that it will ease my discomforts. And from experience this kind of wishing, that is one without the involvement of the heart will mean nothing and usually will produce little to no results. But of course my radar has been off for a while so maybe the card is right maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Hate my life and in the brink of hating God

2010-05-08T16:03:00.000+10:00

Can you hate something without feeling anything? I found out that I can. It is horrifying knowing something and yet not feeling it. The definition of a psychopath.

I can and I wonder when this personal hell is going to be over. What is the point of being birthed if we can only live half a life?

Called

2010-05-07T15:33:00.000+10:00

I feel I am being called and not in that destiny sense either but more in a literal sense. I rarely sleep well these days and when I do, voices would suddenly wake me up. Not that they are clear as the usual sounds but they are enough to make me alert and be scared of it.

I feel like living in an apocalyptic world and a highly delusional one as well. It also mean I am delusional since I am a part of it.

Not really sure how to fit in anymore or whether I want to in that matter. This whole year all the sudden becomes so strange. It is already may and I find my self being lost as ever.

Apparently it is not all in my head

2010-05-04T00:36:00.001+10:00

http://www.emergingearthangels.com/latest.html

The latest entry above (2 May 2010) kind of confirmed that what I was feeling and seeing were not simply my mind going bonkers. But symptoms felt by many and yet not discussed in a general manner.

I am still in that third state of wanting to throw it all into the wind. Returning to the wind and the vacuum of space. But somehow I know that my job is not yet done and the bigger chance is that I might be doing option one instead. I feel like I am a ghost roaming around Earth unsure why I am still here and yet unable to be contribute by doing what I love.

The thing is I feel I have lost that feeling of wanting of desiring to do something I love. I don't even know what they are any more. I don't feel sad , I don't feel depressed either. The feeling is a weird one. Its like sleep living. Meaning that it feels like I am dreaming and asleep and yet at the same time I am awake but without a full awareness.

The images that float around my mind are one of peaceful coast live. A life where there is no deadlines, not many people, just me, the ocean, the sky, the cool breeze and that simple divine feeling of being but not in a sugary way, more like in a white bread white rice kind of way.

I don't know what is going to happen soon because I feel like I am asleep and I am liking the feeling of this very blurry existence. Maybe being a ghost is not that bad after all.

Quarterly

2010-04-26T19:58:00.000+10:00

The air in Sydney is changing bringing that famous frigidity and clear fresh air only Autumn can offer.

I find my self not reacting to anything. Neither sadness or happiness. I feel like I am floating in this existence call life. I don't mind doing anything at the moment. I find my self really desiring and yet not attached at the same time.

I want to say God, that my life is indeed in your hands. I feel like I have been complacent for too long I am not sure anymore what it is that I love doing. It seems a month has been a well enough time to divide my self into a blank canvas again. To a flat surface ready to be built upon.

I love to serve again. Let me serve.

cold breeze and warm sun

2010-04-25T15:56:00.000+10:00

Sydney is playing up to its name. The weather today is cold if you are in shades but hot and skin piercing if you are directly under the sun.

My head is spinning and air seems to be thinner than usual. Forcing me to be immobile and tired all the time.

I find my self not aware again. A disorder that comes from being lost in the year. Because at the end and the beginning things are seemingly clearer than before.

I am still confused and I wonder when will I be satisfied with everything. Or at least a long temporary satisfaction is enough.

Magic of Rain

2010-04-24T21:21:00.000+10:00

There is something magical about rain. The smell of earth mixed with the damp air. The wind that blows calmly and very soothing. The feeling is just very ethereal. Very calming. The air changes when the rain stop falling. A brief quietness in the midst of this busy world.

Intoxicating smell of the air, earth, wind and our world in one single frame of time. That small window of time when rain stops and the essence remains.

With this magic of nature can we remain somewhat sane. Soon, hopefully not to far from now the air will mimic this beautiful and intoxicating air longer and longer. I shall dream and hope.

Another shift in the infinite timing

2010-04-23T22:18:00.000+10:00

Everytime the zodiac changes, in the cusp you can always feel the energy changes straight away. As if by magic. I don't believe it at first but these past twelve months have been drastic.

The energy still thick and dark but a glimmer of light and lightness are here. Even if it is only a tiny spark and that somehow is comforting.

I feel like a trumpet was sounded by the heavenly spheres today and as I looked up to the sky I feel my soul called again. Called by the heaven again. This bitter feeling still here and my ego is still injured not knowing what I need to do next and what it is that is coming ahead. But the trumpet has been blown and the army is in its last stage of cleaning up. What will happen when they finish? I don't know. I just know the flag is up and now we are all at standby for sure. We must pack our bag again, gather our belongings and be ready to move as swiftly as the signal comes in again.

This is a confusing time indeed. When certainty of heaven is mixed with the uncertainty of the mortal.

temporary suspension

2010-04-20T18:02:00.000+10:00

Suddenly the wanting stops. For now. Though I am not less miserable. How could that be? I don't know but right now I do feel rather light. Stops things a bit. I realised I am back here again. Back being alone spending my days wondering and hoping, if somewhat desperately.

Maybe I should just let it go. All of it go. I was even succumbed to a trap, a commercial trap. If that is not a sign that I should let go and not be so desperate, I don't know what else will be. I still feel scared and fearful. I don't think that will ever go away entirely. I can't be anywhere else but here and now. So I might as well take one day at a time again.

I am enjoying the afternoon/evening sky again. The contrast between blue and deep orange colour with the crescent moon hanging beautifully in mid sky. It is here again. It feels calm and peaceful just to see this.

Louis Marie De Castelbajac: Coachella with Dita Von Teese! - Photo Gallery | Just Jared

2010-04-19T18:22:00.001+10:00

Louis Marie De Castelbajac: Coachella with Dita Von Teese! - Photo Gallery | Just Jared

Hot

Kim Kardashian official web site – photos, blog, news, bio

2010-04-19T18:18:00.000+10:00

Kim Kardashian official web site – photos, blog, news, bio

She is in Sydney baby.

The light

2010-04-19T01:28:00.000+10:00

Sometimes you just need to hear one thing and your perception shifted. Not sometimes, but most of the time it works.

I am reminded again to trust and to see what it is that I like to want. To see things as it is. That is that death is the final destination in the cheeriest sense. That the best or worst thing that can happen is death. That no matter how much our suffering maybe it can be relieved through death. And I am comforted by the certainty of our ending. That gave me back trust. Trust that things is indeed the way they need to be.

That I am right where I need to be, having the things I need to have and doing what I am doing. I am releasing judgement that I need to do something else and I need to be someone else. That I need to want something else for my life. For some reason I have forgotten this and a month has gone by where I have forgotten and sucked into the darkness. I know that too is meant to be. And I know that it will happen again.

I realised the worst thing that can happen is to have prolonged pain before death. To die long and painful are the worst nightmare for me. But a quick and painless death will be just fine.

I feel that I can dream again. And it will not be painful when I see them, feel them and knowing them to be true. Without any further proof of what can be.

That now, the darkest night is here and I never thought I would survive. But as my legs are confirming the situation, it would seem that the worlds have come to a new age and now it is no longer one foot at one world and the other on Earth. Now both are on the other side. Now I am fully here and there is no turning back. The Earth is indeed has changed and everyone else with it. I am glad I get to see the light again. I don't know for how long this light will stay and bring a glimpse of sanity an clarity. But it is here now. It is enough.

Short Vision

2010-04-18T15:48:00.000+10:00

Lately my vision becomes short sighted. I am unable to see beyond week ahead. It seems that fear is finally winning in me. That sounds of defeat suddenly overwhelming my desire to move on in the direction that I wanted to go.

The vision of elevating the consciousness of the galaxy seems so far away. It seems that it never even been here before. I am not sure how people cope with the lost of their vision. It maybe easier when people have other people around them that tell them what to do. For me, I resent being told what to do.

Maybe one day I will understand the reason behind all these stalling.

I am seeing and feeling again. I am having the P&P. Imagining the period drama settings of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy, of Tess D'urbervilles' times. The romance and the sweet smell of grass and the open sky background, watching all the drama that is unfold. In the midst of all of it that quietness that can only be felt. I am seeing again. Even if it is a familiar vision, at least I am seeing again. Even if it is not the future that I have desired.

Seeing and feeling that cool breeze and the warm sun. This feeling of being in a foreign land. Feels intoxicating. So maybe this darkness is ending after all.

Stories

2010-04-17T16:03:00.000+10:00

Today as I wake in my normal hours this week around quarter to midday, I wondered whether this is it. Is this what life is about?

I've been waiting all my life where this desire in me die down. Where I have come to accept that I am just a normal person and there is nothing special about my self. To have that feelings to be certain about it. And therefore to keep going with a normal job, to go on with the drudgery of daily lives. To actually enjoy this routine , to actually look forward and be utterly grateful about it.

Because in the end if everything is about vibration and events can only happen when your vibrations match with what is asked. Then right now all I am asking is misery of course because that is where my state of mind is at.

But when I put aside these constant melancholic thoughts. The days are actually brighter. To think one day at a time. To think and to see what is at hand rather than what can be, is indeed much better for the mind. Maybe just to stay in a jovial state of mind is what needed.

To think about what I am grateful for and what I can see in my own imagination make me smile wider. T think that regardless of what happen on the outside I still have my mind and my heart. The connections that we have in the life of a soul experiencing human experience.

Dream

2010-04-16T16:29:00.001+10:00

The sky has been mellowed lately, forcing me to wake very late in the morning. Almost midday every time. My mood improved slightly today but somehow that is not the only thing that is happening at the moment. I suddenly miss the beach and the sky at the beach. The solitude and peace of the beach during the winter months.

Sydney as we know it, is a host to many tourists and visitors especially during summer. Which makes Bondi Beach a very crowded place during the high season. But I miss the seasons where it is quiet and only the cold wind blows and locals jog and walk their dogs in the afternoon. Less attention seeking behaviours from people. Suddenly I am missing it again. Like many winters before this and will be for the years after.

I haven't managed to sort out my life yet but it seems with the current Earth's movement I would not be able to do that soon. I love to think that my life will work out as plan but that too will never be clear. With these meteors, earthquakes, volcano eruptions and weird movements, I am reminded that maybe I should stop thinking about life from the 'regular' perspective. When the Earth is still not 'moving' or to be exact of not showing any sign of moving because it still moves, we just don't pay attention to it. The situation is no longer the same.

We will start re-shuffling our priorities and see what is important in our lives and stop chasing empty ambitions. The culture of service will start spreading and it will be the only one that prosper.

I am imagining a white sandy beach. Pearly water sparkling under the afternoon's sun. The sound of the waves crashing stand alone in a remote beach some where in the world. With a temperature of twenty five degree Celsius and low humidity to embrace the day and the fauna around it. I find my self wanting to be living in a little quiet seaside village. Which doesn't sound like me at all. As I am a city girl. The convenience of the the city and the infrastructure always made me stick around longer. Now, I want to have a garden so that I can experiment and play around with my own food.

A simple life that is close to nature. Not too much hard work just enough to eat and to keep going. Maybe I would love to generate our own electricity through Solar and wind power so that we don't need to be dependant on outside sources. It would be a lovely living with clean air, fresh water, fresh food, etc. I am imagining a different life.

2010-04-16T13:15:00.000+10:00

Listening to TAMARAMA "Lifetime on the Run".

Pretty good for this Sydney's grey and cloudy day.

Foreign

2010-04-15T17:36:00.000+10:00

I find my life at the moment so foreign. Last year I remember I was longing for something to come to me, for something to change and now it has changed dramatically that I am unable to determine what it is that I want anymore.

I feel like I have been robbed of everything. My hopes and dreams. I can't see anything, nor do I feel any new desires to create anything at the moment. My situations have changed and yet still the same at the same time. I don't have that hope feeling any more. I used to though. Not now. I feel like there is no use of hoping things going to get better like I did. That vision that maintained my sanity and my process last year have gone now. I don't see anything anymore.

My romantic hopes are gone. I don't even want to resurrect them. I feel like a piece of furniture that really needs to be recycled. I only feel the guilt that circling my beings. I know that somehow if more time is spent I will be drowning in the dark energy of things. Last year I was very focused on the future, I was at the peak of season of convincing my self that the future is better and that was why I was doing what I was doing. That was why it was worth it to persist in my 'suffering'. But now I don't know anymore. I don't know what is important and what is necessary.

I found my self empty and has nothing to look forward to. I find this emptiness without a purpose and that is quite dangerous. Because suffering is not necessarily painful if there is a purpose. But without one, what is there to live up to? The dangerous part is also the absence of 'negative thoughts' aka those hatreds or resentments that usually accompany rage or bad situation. It is dangerous because the indifference frame of mind feels nothing. See nothing. Rationalise nothing.

I can't see the horizon now, not even the carrot dangling. I feel now even the illusion has been stripped bare and I don't know what I am left with. I feel like a seed that has failed to launch. That died midway.

I have no life juice any more. I understand now how death can be a tempting offer. And why my mother used to say that she was better off dead. Now I understand.

Blog2Print

2010-04-14T15:38:00.000+10:00

Check the new blogger's product. Blog2Print. It is quite expensive given that if you print it yourself it would cost much less than the 35 cents offered for extra page outside the 20 default pages allowance.

And if you have a long blog going back for years. It would cost you hundreds of dollars to print all of your entries into one book.

But the good point like most people, I have been thinking of printing the blog into a paper format (of course, noted the hypocrisy behind it) and can't be bothered spending hours copy and pasting our own entries this would be the most ideal solution. and at $7.95 ( I assume USD) to download the PDF format, I predict this would be the target product for bloggers.

All in all, love it. I think it is a great idea.

Enjoying the misery

2010-04-13T23:55:00.000+10:00

Maybe the best thing to do is to enjoy the ride. To enjoy the falling process. To enjoy and just to let go and stop analysing everything.

I am miserable. Maybe I should enjoy this misery. Not to label it as bad or as good. And not to think that I shouldn't have been in this state. Because I am.

I remember an author said that all you need to do is to be present and if you are angry then be angry because that what you are feeling at the present. Don't need to react to anything just feel the anger and observe it and not to judge. Maybe I just need to enjoy the misery.

No purpose

2010-04-13T15:37:00.000+10:00

I feel like I have no purpose on this Earth at the moment. I feel like things are floating me by and no matter what I do or don't do, it won't change anything.

There is this distinct feeling of waiting to die that is in my life current. Because I know I can't commit suicide, because if I do commit suicide than I have to come back again and repeat the process of birth and growing up and those teenagers crap. I am unwilling to repeat those for the same life intention I have now. So I am in limbo, all I am doing now is to wait for God to direct me to the places that they need me to be. To the things I am needed to do. To be used by divine will as they please.

I know it sounds very desperate and it is. Maybe because I know that money, relationship, success or anything that is based on the desires to own or to capture without the excitement of the spirit will lead me to an empty life. Because I have been there, hence it makes me feel very empty and very cynical about life.

The conversation in my own head is alarming to my sane mind. Questions like, why then if I am so needed in this world that I am not participating and not doing anything of use? What is the use of years in training if all my abilities are just to be wasted away? What is the purpose of life without any enjoyment whatsoever? Can we just live to exist merely? To work like a dog and then be wasted away in the retirement home like what has happened with the current retiree generation?

If life has no enjoyment what is the purpose to go on?

Lethargic

2010-04-12T14:34:00.001+10:00

I am not sure what is up in the air at the moment. But the feeling is very lethargic and very tiring. It feels very heavy and at the same time very urgent.

Feelings helpless seem to dominate my being. It makes me feel very useless somehow. I have the right abilities to do things and somehow feeling under utilise and not being able to move is very stressing. My head buzzes and started to ring now making me feel like someone is talking to me.

Too sensitive for coffee even. I heard my name whispered last night just before bed. It freaked me out to be honest, my rational mind is questioning my own sanity. Making me thinking whether I am delusional, of course this would be the first time I heard it whispered so loud. Or maybe my body can't take coffee anymore hence driving my brain over the limit. To comfort my self I refer the article where it says that coffee drinker will tend to have more psychic experience and tend to hear voices. It silenced the doubting voice in my ears.

It didn't stop my thoughts entirely though. Making me more aware of how things are and possibilities after possibilities running in my mind. It feels as if that the world is changing so much that it doesn't even make sense. Sometime you know what you know and then you are proven wrong, this is the hardest thing for yourself. Because since then on you will start questioning the validity of your hunches. I guess that is what happening to me. I made decisions after decisions based on my guts and intuition and to find out only later on that those insights were to entice me to take the steps but not necessarily to receive the rewards.

I feel somehow I have jumped into a hole that has no end. Now I can't climb back up. The only thing left to do is to keep falling and see where I end up. The journey is taking so much energy out of me. This endless journey of life, I can't imagine living forever.

Depressed again.

2010-04-10T16:49:00.001+10:00

The year has gone by faster than I thought it would. In the beginning of the year I was excited like I always do with the prospect of the future to be somewhat 'better'. An assumption that we all make that somehow tomorrow is always better.

Now four months in, I must be able to take stock and present my self with a reality check. Things indeed happen in the past four months as predicted but not maintained as predicted. Things indeed changed during January to March. However now it is back to where it started. Back to square one. The thing is I am not the same. The events in the first three months changed me and customised me to a routine and somehow now I must start over again to the unknown.

If people have as many 'failures' as me they might have commit suicide and give up already. Maybe I will give up. But somehow every time I give up a glimmer of light is shining again. I don't know what to do, I am not really sure how things are panning out. They never seem to pan out ever. It has been ten years and maybe a sane person should just get an ordinary life and I may need to just accept that an ordinary life is not that bad. Maybe I should start doing what normal people do, numb up the boredom with alcohol or a pack of smoke. Or something, do something destructive for destruction, start gambling and rack up so much debt that you have to get an ordinary life.

But somehow that too doesn't work out. I feel like I am being sequestered for so long I don't even know how to be a part of the society anymore. At this stage I am basically screwed. Can't move forward can't move backward.

Abandoned

2010-04-08T15:57:00.001+10:00

Self abandonment is the worst kind that you can experience. It is when you stop caring about yourself and also about everything else. The only thing that usually keeping us going is the hope that tomorrow is a different day.

Something is different again

2010-04-07T20:51:00.000+10:00

The energy feels different. New again. Like a section has been cut off and a new one has begun. Different.

The Game

2010-04-06T17:32:00.000+10:00

Each industry has a game. And it seems the 'personal development' industry is filled with get-rich-quick scheme. Simply by recruiting people who would love to actually believe and pay for it. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it. For it serves its purpose and for people who are actually wealthy mentally it doesn't matter what the method of becoming 'rich' is, they will inevitably reach it. The success stories you hear and read on websites are just testimonials and they are not necessarily reflect the truth.

The catch is usually to 'spread' the words and 'capture' your friends to become part of the deal. Somehow the hook line is 'if you know it changes you why don't you want to give it to others?' Of course if you feel very strongly about it than, you should do what you think is right. But for most of us, we don't. We like what we have received and not really want to share it just yet because we are unsure about how it would affect us in the long term. And you should respect your own feelings. Of course there are times when they are merely fears and need to be overcome rather than to be backed up. However in most cases our intuition is correct.

The hypocrisy behind the industry I find is very strong as well. Usually the better the company at selling the 'speaker' or the 'event' the less likely they are to actually follow the 'teaching' of those profiles. Which is acceptable because in the end as a consumer we have to be smart enough to do our own research than to believe whatever they say or sell.

It is a business still, and like most businesses it has the game attached to it. The sweet sugaring of clients, promises made but not kept, and enticing offers that seems to be good to be true. But this is a business world and competition sometimes can bite us in the ass. But hopefully everyone will open their eyes and ears wide enough to be alert rather than simply being taken in blindly.

The downfall of being 'Present'

2010-03-31T23:23:00.000+11:00

The state of being presence is a state which most alternative and self help industry offer to achieve. Saying it is the state of bliss and it is. When you are in this state people who are used to with running around and being focus in the quest of things will find this place highly unfamiliar.

When you are present, you don't think too much, you just enjoy your time as it is. You don't watch your watch to see how much time has passed. You stop looking at the calendar and you just be. You don't feel like you need to do anything at all. You just become one with everything and that means you don't even feel worry. You just go with the flow, literally. This is one of the downfall of being present. There is no driving need for accomplishment or to seek solutions because in this state there is no problem.

What I learned this week is when someone is pushing your button your are demanded to step up or to back up. When you back up, it only means that the you are pressing pause but sooner or later you have to actually face up to it. If you step up, you have the risk of severing relationship with the 'problem' at hand. But the reward is that you will feel 'presence' because in a way you merge yourself and become one again. For stepping up means reclaiming your own self from the 'problem' or 'the other person'.

The point of having challenges is to see what it is that we have not yet aligned with but it is our decision which way we want to go. There is not a wrong and right answer. It is just what it is. Either way has its own benefits and its own drawbacks. By seeing all options it is much easier to which way it needs to go.

It is so easy to forget

2010-03-30T00:49:00.000+11:00

Sometime you have to remind your self the bigger picture. The fact that we are not here permanently and this section of time we spent here is very insignificant compare to the eternity of our sun and our galaxy rotating the universe. Book like The Urantia when read from a critical point of view serves massively to remind us that we are not merely flesh and bones. But spiritual being that come from the stars and shall return to the stars.

I keep forgetting nowadays that all of this is just a game. My fear is unfounded and the whole intention is to act from truth than from fear to keep being bold in our truth than in our humanity. We must remember than we are spirituals beings having humanly experience and not vice versa.

The soul is funny, it will keep hounding us to do what is needed until we do it the inner nagging will not go away. It might be much more convenient when we know for certain what to listen to. The intuition and not the fear. But for most cases we are pretty much relying on time to let us figure out what it is actually important and real.

So let us listen more to our intuition and know that we are here to experience and not to be afraid. But to Love.

Another Stage and Growth

2010-03-27T21:05:00.000+11:00

Nowadays I found it confusing to read the energy. I feel like my feet are back on Earth again and the material worlds or the physical world is starting to merge again with my reality. I found it odd of how two months ago I was by my self and now I am back dealing with the politics and drama of things.

I also realised that when things become to familiar and stop growing, I stop seeing things clearly and get confused and clouded in emotions. Which are lies. I feel as if the time for us to 'stay' put is shorter and shorter. It used to be within five years then it shortened to three than two than one, then five months then it died down. Then now it only started out, it simply lasted a few months. It is interesting.

I realised I don't like seeing the same amount of people in a daily or even weekly basis especially within an obligatory time constriction. The whole purpose of life for me is to be ready for anything at anytime without hesitation to move on. I guess in that sense, it is what called being present completely without the imprisonment or the illusions of fear (future) and guilt (past). I find it frustrating nowadays to actually speak with people who keeps ranting about things that to me is very unimportant. And yet this happen everyday where people keep hanging around with other people and shuffling and dis-ordering themselves without any clear intention of growth.

I feel to rein in the order I must somehow have to have the say in the choices that I make as much as possible. Also to believe in my self a lot more and become steadier in doing so, gently though powerfully.

Love

2010-03-23T14:22:00.001+11:00

I love you God. Thank you for this Earth and everything in it and surround it.

Intention and Ending

2010-03-21T22:51:00.004+11:00

I did an exercise today and I started out intending a different outcome than what I have right now.

I learned that somehow when we started a journey we have a different intention than the results that we ended up having. This existential business has become more and more solid for me.

One way to create something is to keep on thinking and crystalise the results by focusing on the solution. Paradoxes.

Never ending

2010-03-17T19:17:00.002+11:00

Life is a never ending Journey. When one ends another begins. Even a rest is not necessarily a rest.

I feel like something is going to happen again. Something 'big' meaning that something significant that will change my daily routine once again. I feel it will be a relationship issue or opportunity. Depends how you see it I suppose.

I don't have any indicators that the change will happen in my relationship area but somehow the flashes are back and it is repeating the same sense of early summer. That similar feelings and images are here to haunt me again.

Although it feels different this time. It feels like an electromagnetic hologram that has a skin membrane of its own. Quite bizarre really. So close and yet so far. It feels very 'real' like it is right in front of me but to 'cross' the boundary needs courage and boldness. Because once the threshold is crossed there is only moving forward and I can't go back to where I am now.

I feel like it is a different dimension altogether. Though it will look the same like this one, it feels like things work differently 'there'. It feels that it works much faster and much less talking and more being. I am not saying it is not great, I am just saying that it will be very different and I am not sure how we will cope with that difference.

Of course like usual all of these things can be merely a figment of my imagination. Then again, life is a figment of imagination of something bigger than us, so maybe it is not something to be taken lightly. My prediction rate has also gone up this year steadily and one guess at a time, but is getting much much more accurate. That's the scary part I suppose. That part of me that is afraid that this too is accurate. That this is too will come to pass.

feeling existential

2010-03-17T00:22:00.002+11:00

It has been a weird day today. Like I am existing, buzzing, here but not here. An experience that like any kind of experience cannot be explained.

It is as if I am downloading and uploading without knowing any of the contents. As if I am only the computer and not the people who are sharing the information. However, as the computer I become a processor and changed in the process as well. The interaction in the ether makes me change.

I am not sure whether I want to know what it is that is being changed at the moment. I figured out from the past there is no need to worry rather just let it be until the obvious becomes just that.

Very powerful moments are here. Like any thing in this world, the ether or spirit has to come first before any physical manifestation can take place. The 'real' world is the past for it is no longer an experience of the spirit. For to be experienced in the flesh it has to be first experienced in the ether. So whatever it is that is coming my way it will be powerful and existential as well. Surreal moments are coming and my life somehow will not be the same.

Irritated

2010-03-14T19:43:00.002+11:00

I feel very annoyed for some reason. As if something needs to be done, but it is not something that I love doing hence, resistance, from left right and centre.

This might be the uncomfortable part of growing up in whatever age you find yourself in. Going outside your comfort zone always bring up the resistance and the fear and doubt that usually lie dormant.

Certainty of Self

2010-03-11T14:52:00.002+11:00

I've been thinking about that one lesson that I remember from years ago in Forensic Psychology class. How the research shows that eye witness testimony is the least reliable of evidence that can be presented to a jury. And yet it is the most convincing, even when the witness is lying.

And one of the most fascinating thing is that, accuracy and confidence has no correlation whatsoever. Meaning one witness can be perfectly accurate about his account of what happen, but because of the unsureness of his delivery the jury would doubt him rather than trust him. The reverse is true if he was to lie and do it in the most confidence manner, the jury will be more likely to trust his account even when he is totally deceitful about what happened.

I guess this knowledge should've guided me ever since. But like every other lesson you need to learn, you do it by experience. I guess the lesson is just because I am not sure, does not mean I am not right. And just because other people are confident does not mean they know what they are talking about.

The only thing I can count on is my own intuition at the end of the day. The rest is like everything else in life, we have to take it on by faith.

Another sense of urgency

2010-03-07T22:10:00.002+11:00

There is this sense of urgency that being bugging me for the past two days. In a way it is a good thing. Meaning that life will take another turn and the surging of the energy will bring much change, again.

It will be an interesting month to see the manifestations of this transformative energy.

I am interested to see the natural progression of this new elevation of consciousness.

Nostalgia

2010-03-04T23:26:00.002+11:00

Spending lunch time just sitting down at the alley way in George St Sydney. The sky was confusing, it was cloudy and cold in the morning and turned into humid and clear in the afternoon.

The breeze came rarely and the day seemed to pass by without much fuss. A friend and I just sat as people were doing their daily business. The truck driver taking a small smoking break, a courier tried to park his van in the small crowded space, trying so hard not to hit anything or anyone.

A woman and a man walking by themselves with sad faces as if trying to hold it all in. Whatever it is that they have going on in their lives. The blue sky accompanied with the fast random clouds hovering by, capturing every moments, every thought of every person under its guard.

Stories were shared and forgotten in this one day. As the city gets busier and the time delivers more and more change technologies, making us more stress, more work, and less time.

The tale of a long lost day.

Another identity crisis, another day. What's used to be taking every five years of questioning your life's decisions now it takes only one. Questioning and wondering, and sometimes doubting. What is it that is going to happen. How does it unfold? Will it happen fast? Why does it take so long? Didn't I do it right? Why am I being punished? Can't it just stopped, for one second?

Stop. One brief second and enjoyed the weird weather, the normal people and enjoy the hot and cold of the air. For, one brief second.

precipice

2010-03-03T14:12:00.002+11:00

I feel like I am back at the precipice again. In that teetering border of death and birth. Just that border that rarely seen because it is rarely remembered. I am there or here. Depends which way you see it.

I feel that today and maybe even more tomorrow, something has closed down. Something has ended and I don't want to see the demolition taking place, I just want to keep going and walking towards where I can create next.

I feel this is a very solid energy, somehow an energy for some others will feel traumatic but for the other half will feel releasing and finally a job done.

"The beginner psychic doubts. The experience ones do not. That's the only difference between the two. " Conversation With God series.

I am not a psychic, but I guess it is about being true to yourself in the end of the day it is about going with what 'you' are feeling, for your life and for your future. Because your feelings and barometer only works for you and not for others. The point of reference always going to be from within you and it is quite hard to put your self into other's position. You can imagine, but that's all you can do.

I guess that's where the overwhelming sadness came from. The certainty that another step is indeed over. Another closing, another moving on. Even if it is so little, another move is in order.

If I personify my own soul, I would use the word 'they' because it is much easier to distinguish it as another entity rather than claiming it as part of me who is still judgmental about everything. I feel like 'they' are telling me that it is over, the unnecessary waiting is over and soon I will find my way in the world again.

Of course in a 'realistic' manner. It is like playing chess I suppose. The changing of strategies happen in the mind. You can't see it really. But when it is implemented it is still need to be done within the parameters of the Chess rules, and boards with the pieces existing. It is like that with what's going on in the world at the moment.

We get to see the pieces moving so rapidly, and yet we are not able to see the 'mind' behind it all. By using both the 'mind' in an 'esoteric' sense we become much more aware of why the 'pieces' or events are moving or happening the way they are. Because if we only focus on one side, it won't make any sense, and we literally will go 'crazy'.

I guess what I am saying is that, these feelings are like reading the mind of the collective to make more sense of what's happening in the physical form.

That's said knowing something 'conceptually' does not prevent us from actually 'feeling' the experiences.

It is like knowing that maybe someday you will move out from home, or even getting married. Knowing all of these does not change the fact that you will probably feel frightened and scared out of your mind. I guess this is one of those times. Where the knowing is converted into experiencing. The scariest moment of all, birth.

Showering in Sadness

2010-03-02T21:17:00.002+11:00

I feel sadness is overcoming my whole being. Helpless, like no power to fight anymore. I feel like just doing my job and forget everything else. My Job, whatever it is that I really love.

I am tired of fighting, of going against people and of always having to calculate everything.

I give up and I am staying still again. Letting things come to me than the other way around. It feels very strange, like we are back in a cradle again. Like babies.

Let go of everything and trust again. To stop manipulating. Stop making things happen and go where it flows rather than pedaling upward.

To trust enough to open again. To admit that we don't know everything and for now not able to see the possibilities just yet but know that there are there. And it will be given to us when the time is right.

Trust. A easy word to say, so hard to implement. Because it takes faith. A soul activity not a physical one.

Caffeine Withdrawal

2010-02-24T21:42:00.002+11:00

This week I found my self to be rather disoriented and also restless and anxious.

I have not yet received a minute of 'peace'. I found my self picking up a fight with the only person I could imagine. Luckily for me it is virtual only but unluckily when it is virtual, I can't really just walk away from it. Because it is in me.

So that's the energy of this week. Anger, desperate, tiring, overworked psychologically, and just simply a drag.

Somehow everything becomes cloudy. Filled with energy but no direction to which to harness and harvest it. It is torture.

not sure week

2010-02-18T15:18:00.003+11:00

My body taken a toll this week. Somehow I am very tired in all areas. Body, mind and spirit are all 'down' .

I spent my time sobbing today and I am not even sure from what. It felt like helplessness showered my whole entire being and sadness beyond measure. My energy level is very low. Though I did manage to walk to Bondi beach yesterday.

I feel like right now that there is no support system available to me and I am very tired to do things by my self. Or doing things I don't particularly like. To be honest I am rather disoriented about my week. I am not sure what to decide and how to act.

To be honest I am confused. I am a mess without knowing why. I feel like I need to break down. The energy is very strong and yet why is no one else feeling it?

I feel that the 'spirits' has descended on Earth and now all the attachments of the old can no longer be continued. This is just such a strange time.

I feel like letting all go and not caring at all. And just let it be. However the chips fall is the way it will fall.

The feeling

2010-02-14T20:39:00.002+11:00

In the spirit of disclosure that I have started this year. I am entering this entry in much more clerical manner than I would like it to be.

This past week nothing really happened. But the past two days it seems like it has been some sort of chasm that I have not yet determined what to feel about it.

Suddenly, it was up and I have encountered a situation that possibly will lead to my future relationship. It was a simple checking the list of the things I have seen before and sort of known. And the contrast energy came from the unusual warning of Kb's post. The tragedy and the blessing in one day. Which is very poetic. God is always poetic. When we pay attention.

I feel like relationship is indeed approaching my life and this time it is quite inevitable. Of course I have a choice. But I guess I would like to give it a chance when it does come.

But from a global perspective it seems so much changes are happening. We can't be complacent anymore and that to be honest scared the hell out of me. Whatever happens I guess is God's will. I am embracing both my dreamer and practical sides.

Fragile faith

2010-02-09T15:28:00.004+11:00

It might seems very weird to be fragile again. But it seems it is a curse that I cannot escape.

It seems it has finally dawned on me that I am no longer the person who is going to be dealing with 'daily normal' lives that I was living up until a year and a half ago. And that realisation seems to lead to heartbreak. Maybe a hint of regret. It seems now I see that life as dead and starting to mourn it properly.

Maybe this is why I have been uneasy with everything that is going on around me. Maybe.

Questioning my self again, feels so familiar. I feel the tears building up and pouring down my face almost easily as the familiar feelings of both love and sadness that overcame me. But at the same time I have come to the point of surrendering again. Of saying "in your hand my destiny lies" to God.

I guess I am comparing my self to my friends, of how their lives are so dynamic and filled with this everyday drama that colours their lives beautifully. Even when they don't realise it. In a way I envy them, because this dynamic feels warm and fluid. The busyness and the juggling between work, fun, family and sometimes love.

My life seems so empty and even barely registered as a life compared to theirs. Of course this is the source of my current suffering, the act of comparing. I see their lives and thought to my self "what have I done?" Am I delusional by pursuing this thing in my head for so long? Have I actually gone bonkers by doing this idealistic thing that I have given up all my wealth for?

What have I done? Tragic seems not an enough word to describe how I felt last night. I have never felt so empty in my whole entire life until last night. Suddenly I saw my self as this very very tiny black and white speck contrasted against a giant of colourful things. Insignificant.

Of how far I have put a distance between my peers and I. At my age where I am supposed to be reaping the rewards of my educations and grime work and moving 'up' towards the elevation of my 'status' in society, I am nowhere to be found in that scale.

It seems like I have lived a different life, a different route and this beginning does not even entitle me to put my self in the same league as my peers. And I am not sure I ever will.

So it forced me back to surrender again. To trust again. To remind my self that everything and everyone are designed for a specific path, a specific journey and no two can have the same identical path. Not even identical twins. To believe again that my life was created to fit an amazing story and even if that story is to be just me, whatever that it needs to be than be it.

I feel weird again

2010-02-07T18:00:00.002+11:00

Today is Sunday and I am feeling weird again. Somehow I am supposed to feel great and safe. Yet I feel, frustrated and a hint of anger, again.

I know that these episodes won't go away because it is a part of me. It is here to stay and it also serves me as always perfectly, divine.

Somehow I feel my brain is kicking on high gear again and maybe I am feeling fear, fear of falling in to the same trap again and also fear of the unknown like many times before this.

I don't know how to feel to be honest. I did a collapse yesterday but I don't feel like anything today. Maybe because somehow it was interrupted a few times and even at the ending so it was not completely, complete. But whatever.

I feel somehow I am both sacrificing something and not at all. I mean I can see how it can be perceived as if that I am sacrificing my life for a cause but at the same time I don't feel like that. I feel like I have everything that I want as long as I get to do what I love to do. And the rest is insignificant.

I feel like now more than ever, I am actually very clear about what is ahead but in a paradoxical vague manner. I feel like it is certain about the global aspect of it and also about the constant travel and solitude. And it seems to me it is no longer a choice, it is more about a fact that I have come to accept slowly but surely. Not that I ever rejected it at all. But it becoming more and more who I am. It is kind of weird.

I feel like my 'fate' is near and I am not even running away anymore or even do the usual 'denial' and 'doubt' thing. I mean I feel like whatever is going to happen, will happen anyway. And whatever it is I know with certainty that I am going to be perfectly fine.

But even with this clarity I feel a certain 'pull' towards the global scenario more and more. Not from my 'desire' or 'want' but from the 'future' itself. It is as if I am being 'magnetically' pulled towards a specific event. What? I don't know yet. It would 'if' it happens because I am not sure whether it is a 'when' situation.

I don't feel I will be famous, celebrity wise but somehow there is this element of 'global' thing that I can't shake off. Maybe it will be more towards a business arena rather than the 'fame' game arena. Which is fine I suppose. I have no problem with it at all.

But I do sense aloneness that will accompany my journey soon. It won't be comfortable for most people but somehow I feel it will be tailor made for me. A specific Journey.

I also feel though very faintly that a 'relationship' is coming my way. And somehow it is not about the 'boy' anymore. It feels like the relationship is the essence of the attraction and not the personality. Weird.

I like it . I like it very much. The relationship feels very loving and very constructive. It seems like it is a 'home' to be. And somehow it will be a very strong but silent type. Attractive even in saying it.

Guessing the future is always a tricky ordeal. Because as it was said in Push that the future is changed in the biggest of ways by the smallest of things. I find this to be true. But at the same time 'fate' seems to be unavoidable. It seems to be these hubs that will happen regardless which ever ways we took. The freewill comes in how we interpret the situation and what we do with it and which path we will take next from there to the next hub.

I guess we determined the quality of the journey and seventy percents of the path. In which sense sounds a pretty fair deal for me.

I feel like somehow I will be hopping city to city. Being the 'instrument' of what is needed out of this Earth. I feel like I am going to my 'Soul home' . Which is strange, logically saying it and writing it down.

But now I feel I have left the confine of local solitude and in my way to go to a global solitude. Same thing just different form.

The hardest part about a journey is to say that we are at the perfect place at the perfect time. Because it seems that we are not, because we want to keep going to a destination hence making everything temporary. I guess if we see death as the final destination than we will realise that everything is indeed temporary and saying it is perfect where it needs to be will be a bit easier.

I feel like much will be revealed this year and somehow my only job is to let it be. I have done what I can and out of all of these. Though there is some concerns like 'it is already February, is this as much progress I can have for this year? Is this it?' Judging the blessings rather than be grateful by it.

My focus needs to be keeping my gratitude up. And with that everything will be revealed as it is. Not as what I judge them to be.

Week Almost End

2010-02-06T18:28:00.002+11:00

The weirdest part about this week is that now it ended with rain and rain and lots of rain outside. NSW almost declared as a natural disaster zone.

Anyway personally I did not attract any 'abundance' in term of dollars this week end. But I did a collapse on the company. So in a way I am receiving abundance in term of the 'love space' that we get to see when we laid out everything.

However as what happens with collapse process, I am feeling very spaced out. Not really here just now. I feel like my atoms are rearranging itself. And I can't know what it means until the very end.

Love week

2010-02-04T21:15:00.002+11:00

I have not been offered anything yet. So maybe I was totally wrong for that feeling last week.

But this week I have been having lots of flashes and signs about 'romance' or even at times strong sensations about my supposed boyfriend. And then I realised I think I was reading the energy of Valentine's week.

So I am not sure how to respond to the energy really. Anyway this week thus far has been quite well. I started Monday by jumping out of bed literally to be summoned for work and yesterday I was doing consultation late to the night.

And it is raining outside. All I want to do is to sleep and just lull my self into sleep again.

First Month Down

2010-01-31T16:51:00.002+11:00

As the day approaches a close, ambivalent feelings or rather thoughts start to take over.

Is this it? I know I should be more grateful than right now. But I am the way I am. Feeling the way I am feeling. No remorse. Just the way it is.

I still feel that I am going to be offered something to filled my weekdays. The question becomes whether it will be something I will agree to do or not. Only time will tell. It could probably a hopeful thing that happens in my thoughts than in my senses. A false one.

First month down and at least it is true that something indeed manifested quite well. I am grateful.

However I met a powerful woman yesterday. I don't know anything about her personally but her energy to me was super strong and together. Warrior like almost. I felt privilege to be able to meet with this woman. And I did something out of character and that I gave her my business card. Which was almost rarely done to someone who I don't really know. However with her presence I felt like I was also clear about my purpose on this Earth and it was like meeting the Queen Bee. The one that is going to be responsible for 'Holding' us altogether. The Queen Warrior. And we as the Maiden Warriors will be at service and be apprenticing with her until such time we will be ready to rule our own sovereign land.

It sounds very nutty of course. But it was how it felt. There was this epic saga story behind this powerful woman. Something beyond the steady poised woman sitting in front of me. I was given a present by her simply being there. I am not sure how our relationship will pan out. But as I was speaking to her, I felt that we were bonded beyond the physical. I don't know maybe in ten years we will be meeting again and that's when it will happen. I feel like this woman will be an important player in my life. I don't know in what capacity. But it felt strong and very blindingly powerful.

Beside that, no other grand feeling came. Just little tiny ones like usual. Not a big liner like her presence.

Rain Finally you came!

2010-01-28T20:02:00.002+11:00

This week has been quite weird. Like I am losing a purpose. A kind of Holy purpose and have sold my self to the devil.

The rain right now is very much released some sort of air pressure though. Maybe tomorrow it will be better.

Somehow there is weird feeling in me that said that last week was not it. That there is one more thing coming my way. I can't get rid of the feeling. It is not a nagging feeling or anything. Just simply this silent thing in the background waiting to be realised.

I feel like I am a carbon paper that is making copy of what other people are impressing upon me. But nothing on itself. A very neutral thing that does not react when there is nothing projected. It is a very odd sensation and experience.

Its weird, like with the rain there is some sort of release and for tonight I feel like it is okay to sleep

Opposite Monday to last week

2010-01-25T10:29:00.002+11:00

Last Monday it was the opposite with today. It ended with an offer made to me. But today I am starting it with a rejection letter.

I am not sure how it would turn out this week. I also had witnessed quite a blatant snobbery from my 'friends'. And maybe they are indeed not my friend after all. I feel with these news back to back I would be in the end of the depressing spectrum. And maybe it should be like that.

I think God is making this path in a really weird way. They opened it and give it insights and then take it away as fast as they have come.

Although I know that this rejection is part of the path and it only means it is not meant to be. And although I know I am qualified to do that job and also to be in that position, my path requires me to follow a different road.

So I know that there will be these moments along the way and for now it doesn't feel that bad. But I don't know how many of these will be in my path until I would actually break down.

I know my vision. I know that I would like to be an International Professional Paradigm Shifter. Demanded all over the world and also be the best in what I do and to lead leaders of the world. This is my vision. Solid and certain about what I do, assertive and very commanding and changing the universe by simply being my self. I know there are many ways but for now this is the next step.

One is closed and the other opens. This is the path. I know where I would like to go. I know my destination and I guess right now I have to trust that today's rejection means that this path does not lead me to the destination. It may look good now, it may even look that it is the best path to follow to take.

But I guess I must trust that in the bigger picture, after five years or ten that it will mean that I probably will be cursing my life because of the 'alternate' decisions made by people to accept me in that job. So, I guess it is better to do the stupid complaining right now when it is not even big at all. So I guess in this case this 'rejection' is a blessing for the future.

I don't know what it means and how it will unfold the way it is.

Weird week. Weird day. And all is normal.

2010-01-23T21:11:00.002+11:00

I found my self still roaming the globe in my mind. Seemingly to have this expanded soul

Yet my current situation is still local and somehow the people around me are still local. But contradictorily they are seemingly successful with materials props to prove it. Yet I don't feel much envy attached to my heart. Maybe because I have gone through quite a lot these past years. Enough to drill down in my brain that these props are just props. And even if they are truthful about the possessions, it does not mean they are happy.

Feelings are hardly related to possessions nor do loneliness. As I can testified with my life's story.

These past two days have been a pair. One was full and the other was empty. Yet I have no preference for both.

I feel despite the local move from my bedroom to another room (which I highly appreciated, thank you God) I have not yet experienced yet the results of the massive shifts. However these ambivalent feelings are quite weird.

I still feel that this global thing is quite apparent despite my current circumstances. I mean I am at the beginning of it the very early stage so of course it won't be resembling where the destination yet. Like the bus trip that needs to get to the airport before getting to the destination, so to speak.

I feel right now the chasm is still exist and I am unable to blend in just yet. A sequestering will need to be established and I know I need to work on my new vibration. And maintain it.

I am not sure whether what this sentence of "I must maintain my distance because I will be moving quite quickly from one thing to another that it would be wise not to be closed with anyone in between." will make me feel like an idiot or a wise warning.

I am leaning towards the wise warning because I feel that this is just a beginning and if the 'plan' indeed is going to take place like it was meant to be two-three years ago than this will be a very interesting year where at the end the transitions will be many but the results would be permanent.

As I have noted in my note that this week I feel like I am being ordered to 'shut up' because so many things are changing I cannot exert unnecessary energy through speaking. I must maintain my focus and not swayed and distracted in some point.

I feel that these next month will be very crucial. I feel there is some kind of cosmic rush to get me to where I need to go before my birthday soon. Somehow I feel that I am definitely not in a driver seat and all I need to do right now is hang on because the vehicle is reaching the speed of light so to speak.

I feel like I am not attached to anything just yet.

Hmm...Interesting progress.

2010-01-21T17:49:00.002+11:00

I thought I was going to be jumping up and down with this progress.

But I feel almost the same way when nothing was happening and sometimes when something could be called bad.

Maybe it is just not sinking in yet.

The progress is that I had an interview on Monday and starting something tomorrow (Fri) after an interview yesterday. DJ called yesterday but I missed it and today they called back to do a sudden phone interview. I hope it went well, though I didn't think so.

So now I have a few things to process. Maybe not juggling just yet. But somehow it was indeed a flood of new things even when they are not necessarily be in my daily routine soon.

And now my mind cannot think of anything. It is humid and hot. Different air. Different air indeed.

17th Day of the New Year

2010-01-17T15:24:00.002+11:00

Today is not that bad so far. Feeling wise I am okay. I am back at being calm and collected again. Feeling that sensation of gentleness and softness. The pastel colours that intensified the feelings.

Today is one of those days again where I feel like I am living and breathing in a different reality. A different dimensions. A different air. A different wind. A different way of living.

Where I see with a different set of eyes and not mine at the moment. I don't know how long it will last this time but while it is here I am enjoying it every little bit of it until the last drop.

It feels like a different space. Totally different space and somehow I feel some kind of 'ownership' to this new space. Like this one that I have waiting for a while and I feel good when it has finally time to come to live in it.

It doesn't feel like a dream or a hope. Because with those we have some sort of expectations. But this thing that I am experiencing at the moment is like seeing it from my own eyes but I am not this me that is writing. Well it is. But it is a different me, a future me so to speak.

It is a peaceful moment. A perfect day. The thing I am seeing this different reality my own reality but not in this time and space right now. I feel blessed and taken care of. And somehow everything is smoother, fluid, abundant and much more pleasantly challenging as well. I am growing and I am also expanding.

Today so far is a fluid day. I feel much better. I feel almost very light like the wind. That doesn't have a fixed shape and volume. Just simply being me.

I feel I am absorbing pure liquid love. Sobering and dreamy both at the same time. Like watching an old home video movie, it has some kind of these nostalgic moment attached to it. Some warm tone attached to it. It feels good feels very lullaby-ish.

Today feels like a Sunday morning in London (though I never been, which makes this even weirder) and with a good music in my ears while walking around enjoying the good weather. Alone and enjoying it. I feel this me is very enjoying what life she has. Blessed and filled with many good things that somehow she even could not believe is happening. And in the same time knowing that it was the things that she has asked for. That we have asked for.

I feel like today that God is answering my prayer. Answering me back. I don't know in what form, but it is just a feeling. I feel today that I am no longer lonely. Today I feel like God is back with me. I don't know for how long. I feel like today is where my patience has finally paid off. I don't know how and in what form because I am here now still in my room like hundreds of days before this. Almost identically.

Yet I feel like today is when my patience is paying off. Where things are start to come back again. Where the first season of harvest is indeed here. And I can stop being strong that I can stop being tough and I can stop being the one that is holding it together. There is no need anymore. I can now let go and embrace the flood of abundance that is heading my way.

It is a different feeling to NYE and X'mas Eve. There is no manic feeling attached. Just a simple acknowledgement. That something ended again and finally a new thing is here. Like a hand shake that signals a start of a new partnership. It feels like that. Feels like a handshake that sealed a deal.

No need to look over my shoulder again. I feel like right this second I can keep staring ahead. No more looking back. It is enough. It is done. It is over. No need to look back anymore. Now it is time to go ahead. Finally.

I hope these feelings last longer. I hope this week is better in a surprising manner. I hope so. Because days like these don't come too often. I am milking every drop of it.

No more goodbyes, no more sadness, no more people to let go, no more old things to fix, no more life to save. From now on, there is only forward perspective, new horizon, new dawn. One step at a time. Release what is not needed and keep on walking. Just keep on walking.

Remind me why am I doing this again?

2010-01-15T22:26:00.002+11:00

I hate waiting. God. Make that into your record.

Broken

2010-01-13T17:57:00.001+11:00

today is one of those days where I was broken. Giving up and done for. I felt like I really couldn't care less, I just want to know how it ends and get out from this thing altogether. I want something to change.

Then I watched Joyce Meyer's today's broadcast tittled Transformation pt. 1. Which basically nailed the situation I was in. And from her perspective it does seem funny because in the end there must be an end.

Sometimes things just need to be expressed to get it all out in the open. Then when it is done, we will keep moving on.

As Joyce said when you are in the middle and there is where we are 99 percent at the time, we don't know when it will end. And because the doors behind and ahead are still closed, all we get to do is to keep hanging on and wait.

I guess the only reason I am still here and was frustrated out of my skin today is because the knowing that I cannot go anywhere. That I am here now and this is the only place to be and I don't know for how long. It is like in a prison for indefinite amount of time. But of course I am not in a prison. I am comfortable.

The thing is I don't feel dread or even depressed. I am just merely being present with whatever I was thinking. It feels like I am channeling my own residual anger maybe. JM made a good point that when you are changing, when I am changing that it will be painful and it will feel like you want to rip yourself apart. That you feel like ex/im-ploding both at the same time without any apparent reason. The response was 'congratulation' you are changing that's what the pain is.

What was the result of the giving up energy? I ended up applying again @CR's open positions. I don't know what will happen. At the time I really wanted out from this leading-the-new-Earth-to-the-new-age thing. To-be-the-divine-instrument-of-God's-work thing. But now I am back not knowing again. I mean, I am back of not knowing whether I want to completely stop or want to continue. I don't care.

The good things about all of this is that I don't want to think about it. Nor do I feel afraid.

Hey all these confusions merely mean that I am being changed right? It is a good omen. Hopefully.

Plataeu

2010-01-12T17:15:00.002+11:00

Today my view is flat. It is hot and humid outside. My body is heavy and achy on my left chest and right gland still sore.

But feeling wise I am okay. I am not down. I am not up either. I am here now.

I am 'on board of a train' now. Today that's the way I see my life right now.

And I have to stop asking the driver/conductor 'are we there yet?' and stalked them at every moment on board. But simply relax and take a time to my self in my own carriage and just let the train takes me where ever it needs to go. Either that or I have to jump off the train. That's quite not going to be pretty because I would have no idea where I end up. It just does not make sense.

At least now I see my self on board again. On track again. Because before it was sort of not moving and parked for too long. But the fact is it is always moving. And I have been always on board. The difference is now that I am aware of it and I wasn't before.

Being aware changed my perception hence changed my reality.

Because like when you are on a plane, flying in to somewhere. You sit quietly, entertain yourself by reading, maybe talking to the people around you, or watch the in-flight movies. But you don't go jack hammering the wall because you are currently in the process of getting your house renovated on board. You wait until you get off the plane, get to your house and do that. While in transit all you need to do is to remain relax and playful inside the vehicle.

The difference between then and now is the awareness of that metaphor. I thought I was in the middle of nowhere not moving and not having anything to use beside my two legs. But to see it as being transported, it calms me down a bit. It does. Maybe I am making it up to make me believe that everything is okay while it is not. Though I would never know. But for now that is enough.

The difference between a normal travel and this metaphoric one is that I don't get to know how long I will be on board before I can get off and back to work again in a new place. So until that time comes, I am accepting that fact that I will be having these idle hours and be a lot of work to do when I get off. So just relax and keep my energy intact. For now this is what needed. This is what I am being asked for. For now this is okay. Until it is not then I will know.

I wrote in my note that I accept this situation. This reality. And hence, sometimes feels like it is almost over. Because of that feeling that you get when you are about to reach the end. That paradoxical feeling that made you want to keep going for a little bit longer and not complete it. That feeling that you get every time I was about to finish a degree or a trip. Even an arduous one suddenly feels not as bad as when I was going through it, in the end. Only in the end it does not feel bad. Only in the end you accept. Only in the end you feel at ease. That's how I feel at the moment.

Maybe it is only today. Maybe it is still a long time before the end of this journey is coming. But today it feels like it is closer. Like it is almost here and thank God for that. Just for now, for this second only. It feels okay.

and down again

2010-01-10T22:42:00.002+11:00

This is the thing about being 'human' the clarity that seems so magical at one point can be forgotten quite easily the day after. It seems it just means nothing anymore.

Knowing what I know. Experiencing what I experienced, I found my self whinging again. Found my self complaining again. To God, to my self, to my friends. The same old stories of "when am I going to get out of this waiting period???" Frustration does not seem adequate to describe what I feel sometimes.

Then I watched the trailer of Invictus. Eastwood's movie about President Mandela. Then I must socked my self whinging and pity party back into where they came from. Why? Because Mandela was in the 'waiting' period for 25 years and inside a prison I might add. Not an easy task to do. Nor one that I find my self in. So comparing that to my current situation of course I would look like a whimp. Hence shutting up.

The Tittle apparently comes from the Poem Mandela often quoted 'Invictus' By William Ernest Henley. Here it is below. Enjoy.

Out of the night that covers me

Black as a pit from pole to pole

I thank whatever Gods maybe

For my unconquerable Soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried out loud

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade

And yet the menance of the years

Finds and shall find me, unafraid

It matters not how strait the gait

How charged with punishments the scroll

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul

Venturing to the other side

2010-01-08T13:13:00.002+11:00

Something happened since two days ago when I had that migraine lifted.

From a second it looks as if it was only one of those 'flashes' however this time it felt so different. The absence of emotion during the 'shifting' of perception gave me more certainty about what was actually happening.

It seems from a higher perspective something has already gone differently. The divine plan has been 'actioned' it seems. Now it is in 'flow' and in 'motion'. It seems that now the 'water' is coming. The spring has sprung to live.

And, now it seems that time to 'command' our lives the way we wish it. It simply is. And for that, now is the time to reclaim and be our authentic selves. I know it is an overly used word. But what I mean by that is simply we can no longer think of what we cannot do. Because like a jigsaw piece that needs to be put together. Without a hollow area no other pieces can connect with the one to create the whole. This is the piece of what 'is not' but the piece that 'is' is the one that gives us the gift of 'filling' another.

And this is how everything is. This is what I mean by it is time to 'command' our lives. To come back to who we are and not to focus on what to improve. Hence, this is what we need to do now. Right this second. To simply remember who we are and not what we are not. Because, it is the only reason why we have come to Earth in the first place. This is why.

The Secret of our existence is : to be who we are.

Because when we do we are 'shortening' the unnecessary 'searching for who we are' story. For we already ARE. We cannot be who we are not.

I guess I am having a magic moment right now. Finally I understood it. What Neale was experiencing when he was writing Conversation With God. That understanding that indeed there is nothing to do and to be but to be right here, right now.

God's desire is simply that, for us to be who we are, right here and right now. That's it!

Our existence need not to be justified for our existence is in itself is the justification.

So for right now, the line has been drawn two days ago. Now we are indeed on a new place. Whatever and where ever it is in this whole process of space and time continuum. The only thing that we can do now is simply to wait and see what it is that needed of us. Despite the paradoxical statement I have typed above. For the paradox is one law of this physical dimension we cannot escape the illusion.

Cledon or Coincidence?

2010-01-06T17:42:00.003+11:00

I have been having migraines and intense headaches for the past three days. And it was still there intensely this morning however as the hours passed by the migraine starting to dissipate slowly.

There is still some here and there and I am not sure whether it will come back tonight or not. Even if it is only temporary I am grateful for this relief from pain.

One thing it did gotten me to do and that to express my self to God. To express the anger and this extreme bitterness that I must admit came so easily with the company of intense pain.

This bitterness of 'when will my life change?' and a slight panic of 'shit, what have I done?' meaning another episode of having thoughts 'have I just wasted almost two years doing jack shit and believing in the woo woo waa waa?' And in some way I was questioning whether things will get worse or not?

Then as I was writing these thoughts in my journal in a busy lunch hour food court, a woman asked a shop assistant of 'how to get to the lowest floor' and the assistant answered confusingly ' this is the lowest floor. There is no floor lower than this.'

I was quite amazed by this. In my state of pain and anger, I was given the answer. Though I had to be honest I did not even think of it as an answer when I was witnessing it. In some way it was odd the fact that I actually pay attention to the interaction for I would usually ignore it. However, in someway it was meant for me.

In some way I must believe that -'the lowest is right now and it will not (for it cannot) go any lower than this'- message given right in front of me was indeed the answer I was looking for. And for now I have that and I am willing to go on. Even if it is a mere coincidence.

For me, for now, it is enough to make me to keep going. To continue to believe. To trust. To keep the Faith.

and on the 3rd day

2010-01-03T19:09:00.002+11:00

Third day on the brand new year. What can I report? Nothing changed really. Except this certainty feeling kind of cemented itself in me.

I don't feel anything much. Maybe I am in denial from the actual result so far. I.e. nothing.

Maybe it is true that I will be a loser for my entire life. Maybe that is it. Maybe rather than from going up, I am going down instead.

The thing is I am not even in a depressive mood. I feel I should just do nothing.

I am glad I am here in 2010. I am just wondering now "What now?" I have a brand new blank page to draw on. But have no clue how and what I would like to draw.

No regrets though.

Happy New Year 2010!!

2010-01-01T15:41:00.003+11:00

I don't have a lot to say today. Most of what I feel is summarised in KB's post here. Today's date entry.

With my own personal's vision of course. But the general idea is almost the same. The energy indeed is quite intoxicating.

NYE 2009

2009-12-31T17:50:00.002+11:00

I feel obliged to do this. As when I see my own entries for the past five years, they don't seem adequate to fill in my curiosity about that year and that date.

I found the day almost weird. In some way I want it to end and rushes towards tomorrow where a new decade and year will begin. But at the same time I am sad because apart of me owed so much to this year than it has been any other years. I feel in some way to leave it, is to leave a best friend that has stuck by me through thick and thin. That has gone through everything with me. I feel somehow leaving this year behind I also leave this aspect of it behind.

I feel that it is not only me that feel that somehow something bigger is ending. Not merely a year. An Era. And of course it sounds so corny purely because it is a decade and of course every decade people would say that. But not really. When the last decade approached and passed I did not feel as much as I do now. Maybe it is something else. Something else has come and closed the chapter so many of us are unwilling to close. Somehow I feel the Universe is finally doing it for us.

Somehow right now I am not as high as I was as last week. When I wrote that I have had high expectation for 2010. Right this minute I feel that it will bring whatever it will bring. And my prayers are that my high expectations from last week will come to pass.

There are only 365 days in a year. Not much when I think about it. Maybe when I was a little it was long, but now it seems like a month. So easily passes by without much effort. In ten years there are only 3652 days. Somehow hearing it life becomes so small. So measurable. Hearing 70 years now become so short.

Somehow when I broken down the year into days everything becomes easily accountable. When I say 'year' it just feel like this big lump. And it feels so 'big' in a sense. But days, I can count and I can feel. A year somehow is longer than 365 days. Though I know it sounds a bit dense. But somehow the use of the collective terms make it so.

I am not sure why I am rattling on about this. I guess I would like to tell you the older me, that if you still in the same space as I am now a year ago from where you're standing or maybe two years and five years and so on, just remember that time is simply an illusions. And what you think as 'long' is merely a perspective game. Of course my hope is that I could come back next year and tell the me now that everything indeed changed. So there was nothing to worry about.

But if not, I know that I would be okay . Despite that I still feel and see the same visions I have seen for a while and stronger since June 2008. So I don't know, by when it will come about and whether 365 days will make any difference to make these visions to 'reality'. But I have hope. And that's all to it.

I do have feelings that 2010 indeed will bring me more blessings and different one than the past two years. I feel like every other year, where my life will change in so many ways, maybe I will have a bf and move to another country and stay there. Or I will get a different business career in a different cities and boom there and become this successful person in a 'short' period of time (though in fact that the hanging to hope period is nothing close to short). Maybe I will become super busy person with everything going on, money, love life, social life, career, power, status, etc etc. Maybe 2010 will mark that beginning of receiving the things I have dreamed about for my whole life. Maybe just maybe. Thinking about it does give me a good feeling.

I must say though I don't have the expectations because my head is doing the blocking, the feelings are there. And I really do love the feelings of hope and of new visions.

Somehow I am not sure whether it is a prayer or a vision but I feel like after this, things will indeed unfold quite instant and spontaneously. Without much effort from my part. Somehow the time of struggles and 'hard' work have passed (doesn't mean there will be no work. Just the reluctant part will be gone and there will be only joyous and purposeful work).

I feel like as 2009 is done, so is too part of my burden. Like 'at last' it is done. I know there will be more work to do but for now. It is done. I can indeed try to relax for a few days. And it sounded so weird for in a sense I have been doing 'nothing' for the past year and four months. But I realised that it has never been a 'relaxing' period. Though I spent it mostly on my own. It was always filled with anticipations, and in someway anxiety about this thing that is going to break.

However I feel at the moment that I have 'survived' something. I don't know what it is just yet. I feel like I have overcome a bigger ordeal than anything before this. And in so many ways I feel proud of my self right now than I have ever been before. It feels so contradictory to say that about a year where I have no outside accomplishments whatsoever.

Maybe my life is short and I know I have a long time to live on this Earth and these past two years are simply just two tiny years of my long life. I know that but as humans we only focus on the right here right now. Especially when it is tough. And we tend to forget about tomorrow when we are so much in happiness and indulgence of the material worlds.

I feel that I have changed these past two years and maybe not on the outside but my self. My vibrations have changed . My inner world have changed. So Much. I feel like I am no longer me that worked for other people. Or be-friended with the world. I feel my years alone serve as a purification period. And now the time has come for me to step back out into the world.

Maybe it is somehow premature to say these. But I would love to say thank you to my dear lord, for the events that are lined up for me. for the people that will come into my life, for the divine timing and synchronicities that are coming my way and my own worldly transformation.

I feel it is time to be bold and to charge with what we feel is true today and for now this is enough. I feel now the future is what my eyes are focusing on. And reflection is not so much needed to move forward. Somehow the wishes now become some sort of 'knowing' and visions become more vivid. I have become what I meant to become.

I feel as the day passes by every bit of my old me is also leaving. And I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful for everything. For everything. So with this note, I shall end this entry.

God, I am grateful for everything. I am grateful for the rest of my whole lives. For the unknown and contradictorily for the knowing of what is coming regardless of 'evidence' of the contrary. God I would like to say thank you. Thank you. Thank You. Thank You. I love you for whatever it is that lay in front of me. I know for some it won't be easy and but I also know that it will be worth it.

Grand scheme of things

2009-12-30T22:31:00.002+11:00

My feelings have been quite the opposite to last week. This week my head has been intensely 'vibrating' or 'pulsating' , creating this vertigo and nauseating feelings mostly.

One of the most disturbing symptoms have to be the constant 'depressive' feelings and uncertainties that stay for a while. Funnily enough it is all happening around the head area. For my heart and body are being left alone most of the time, except in the morning when I wake up with achy limbs.

When we are feeling depressed and down, we become short sighted. We forget that avenues in life come in indefinite form. It is like when we were in High School and it seems the world will come to an end if we had not gotten the best marks because we could not have gotten into that one University, into that One program no 'OR' because it is the 'only' way. Then we realised after times passed by , that apparently it was never the only way. There are many ways that possible to achieve the goal that we wanted. Or even after a while we realised that we actually did not want to pursue that goal anyway.

We realised that when we are so locked in to one thing, we become 'rigid' and 'closed' down. Which in turn gives an ironic result.

At the moment, my head is still buzzing and it seems like my ears are getting worse. My face is reacting towards a change that is coming by having pimples to accompany me towards 2010. And I am having my 'one' track mind in tow with it. To write and remind my self that things are always open and infinite took much energy. I hope that this reminder will last for a long time.

Because I know sometimes we indulge in 'self-pity' to get attentions. We indulge in proving ourselves wrong because we somehow intuitively know that we are going to be right. Somehow telling the story of 'nothing is going to happen to me' or 'things will never change' seems to smooth our egos because then we can justify our 'depressive' state. So that we can have 'reason' for people to leave us alone, being miserable. But right.

I know, I know, we are all fucked up one way or another. But like Spencer Johnson says "Without the peak there is no valley" And it is part one and the same. There is no separation between these seemingly 'two' things. So I guess when we are in these perceived valleys then peaks are also inevitable.

Without one and the other, there is only a plateau. No change. Just flat line. Like what the heart monitor would like when you are dead.

So in the grand scheme of things we are only here for a brief period of time. Like I said, not even one second in the Big Universe Giant Clock.